sex

I AM KING KONG, NOT A RABBIT.

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I was coaching a wonderful female client earlier and we got onto the subject of talking about appetite.

Appetite for sex and food.

I notice this a lot, when I coach women, where the admission of what they truly want, the depth and variety of the experiences, the sex, the attention, is hidden under a guise of “IT IS OK, I don’t really have an appetite.”

I hear a version of this often:

“I like to eat the same thing every day because it’s easy. More digestible. Just enough. I’m not really having sex, or dating, or the attention I want. But it’s ok, work is great and I don’t really want it it anyway. I don’t even know what food I like, but it’s not really a problem because I don’t really enjoy food. My partner and I never have sex, but it’s fine because sex isn’t important to me.”

Well, I call bullshit.

Yes a nice, succulent, delicious green salad is sometimes what we truly desire…yet, the true physical nourishment we actually want is much more than this.

Yes, the sex once a month feels good…yet, the hungry beast inside of us isn’t getting fed.

Yes, we like to take care of ourselves……yet, when self-care is driven by deprivation the outcome is devastating.

Yes, being connected to our purpose is incredibly important…yet, there are so many part of us hidden away in the shadows of how excellent we are at self-sufficiency.

Most women I know actually have an appetite to similar to KING KONG and not a precious RABBIT.

We want to be sucked, fucked, and attended to with exquisite care by the people we are intimate with.

We want burgers in bed.

We want variety.

We want premium chocolate.

We want a different kind of menu when it comes to sex, food and experiences.

It’s vulnerable to admit that.

I get that, I really do.

The thing I’ll start with is this.

Your appetite is gorgeous. 
Your hunger is your power. 
Your desires will lead you home to your body.

Women, aka QUEEN KONGS…

What do you have an appetite for?

Please let the world know.

You’ll find me at www.fireupyourdesire.com/unleashed-sex debunking rabbit myths once and for all.

Glamour Interview: Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire.

I did an interview with Elia Manuzio of Glamour Paris. She attended one of my desire workshops and did a write up on the experience. You can read the article on Glamour’s site here. However, it’s written in French. Please enjoy an English translation of the article below:


Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire

by Elia Manuzio


Olivia Lara Owen organizes small group coaching workshops around the world on the theme of desire. We had the chance to experience one when she was in Paris.

A Haussmann apartment, candles everywhere and about fifteen participants sitting on sofas around a young woman in red. How did I land here? A bit by chance. Some girlfriends of mine signed up for the "Desire Talk" after meeting Olivia Lara Owen during her first workshop at the Burning Man Festival.  Curious and not really feeling that connected to my body, my wants and my desires, I followed them in and paid the 12€ registration. Olivia Lara Owen presents herself as a “Desire and Relationship Coach". She has developed a program, "Fully Unleashed Feminine" which comes with private consultations, digital coaching and workshops for women.

"Behind every complaint there is an unfulfilled desire," begins Olivia, "reconnecting to one's desires is about building deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others.  We deserve to live according to our desires, but we receive too many negative messages that push us to censor ourselves". The tone is set. If her speech sounds a little too much like "personal development", deep down, I understand what she means. At home, the words are “imposter syndrome” of which we are often victims and which prevents us too often from carrying out our projects. So when she launches into "Here, we will unlock his power", I'm totally in (there is the moment when I imagine myself as Wonder Woman smashing the patriarchy). 

Very quickly, the practice begins. The exercise consists of getting into pairs, face to face. Each person expresses in turn what he / she wants - be it "happiness" or “to buy a new mixer" - and the other gives them permission: "You can have it". One moment is dedicated to the debriefing of the experience and the workshop continues with another exercise based on the fears that hinder the desire. Quite frankly, to say to a man who is a completely stranger that I am deeply afraid of being buried alive, is rather disturbing. But in fact, it was good thing. "We are lacking safe spaces where we can be vulnerable," explains Olivia Lara Owen, "exploring one's deep desires in front of a stranger and giving oneself permission to feel fear is really emancipating. This is how our desires become achievable. "

This is an approach that can help you find sexual fulfillment, when sex is no longer completely satisfying. In addition to her workshops and personal consultations, Olivia Lara Owen is launching a new four-week online program for women and focused solely on sexuality: "Fully Unleashed Sex". Women will learn to communicate better with their partners, to develop strategies to really put into practice their sexual desires (verbalized as well as written in advance), and to call on a new language to talk about sexuality. Like the program mentioned above (which costs £400 for four weeks of coaching), Olivia Lara Owen's full programs are relatively expensive, but the shorter workshops are very accessible. While waiting to be able to afford a real coaching, she gave us some exercises to do: "When you feel a desire, when you feel that you want something, try to analyze how you respond to this feeling and also how your body responds to it.  This is the first way to explore your inner life. " For the practical side, Olivia recommends a very simple ritual: "Once a day, ask yourself this question: 'What do I really want?' Women all too often forget to ask themselves what they want, be it a walk or a super latte with almond milk. As an immediate example, I really want a nap. So ciao.

The Dry Blow Job

Photo by Catherine Heath

Photo by Catherine Heath

I want women to be connected to their body and true sexual hunger.

Slowly over time I have cultivated a feeling of surrender in sex. It comes from this place where I can be responsible for my own pleasure and deeply connected to my desire.

The journey to get here was a deep dismantling of an inner world that used to feel like a prison when it came to intimacy. My first exposure to sex was accidentally watching a late night Tantra special when I was young. A man and a woman were looking into each others eyes and stroking each others skin slowly and gently.

It was my first experience of visceral arousal as I felt my pussy awaken and heat rush through my legs. I was witnessing humans connecting and it really turned me on. They were present and both had this steady attention on each other. As they kissed slowly my whole body responded with searing heat. It was like an animal inside me began to purr.

I lodge that experience in my memory bank as sex. The prospect of experiencing that myself was the holy grail. Intimacy. Attention. Presence. I wanted my body to feel like that again. I wanted another humans attention on me like that.

Along came my teenage years and I began to put practice into play. My sexual experiences were nothing like that. Rather than develop a deeper relationship with my intuition and my true desire, I listened to the messages around me, read magazines, copied older women, gossiped amongst my friends and watched porn.

I over-ran the throbbing in my heart that wanted a tender slow sex and let the insecurity of my inner world guide my experiences.

I learned a number of distinct things in the early years: it is my job to please my man and my body belongs to him. To me this meant two things, he was the expert in my body and his experience was far more important than mine.

My worth as a woman came from my ability to please and do a good job. I also had a deep belief that men were responsible for making me happy in bed and I would finally find the sex I as craving when I found the right person.

The feelings of being unseen and unsatiated in bed were relentless and became more painful over time. It created a lot of resentment for men. I matched my frustration with silence — silently resentful, a place a lot of women reside in sex I have learned.

 
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Nothing highlights this better than when I would go down on a man and the whole time be thinking have I done this for long enough to get the thing I really want, his attention on my body and his presence. In my head I would come up with crazy equations, a ten minute blow job would give me a couple of minutes in return, maybe. It was not an enjoyable experience to give, nor receive inside of that exchange.

That is what I call a dry blow job — giving in the hope of trying to get.

In the short term I experienced a moment of connection and validation, and yet it never truly satiated me in the way I wanted. It was a short lived feeling.

I would hide behind the task of giving and pretend that I didn’t really have desire to have my body devoured. I would hope men would guess how big my sexual appetite truly was or surprisingly be experts in my body. Even on the rare occasion when I picked a very attentive man, I noticed I was so relieved I become lazy and disconnected from the faint relationship I had to my desire.

I was stuck in this cycle for a long time before I saw the pattern. I was giving, giving, giving because I wanted something in return AND I thought my happiness and fulfilment sexually came from “his” skill and if he didn’t know how to please me, it was his fault and I could do nothing about it.

I had a BIG wake up call one day reading a book called “Pussy” by Regena Thomashauer. I had been on a path to wake up to a different way in my early twenties and then fell into another relationship where I went back to the old way — giving to receive and thinking it was his fault the sex was mediocre.

It took me to a pain deep enough to actually say no more. Over night what was once an internal whisper of “I WANT MORE” had become a roar.

Upon deeper inspection, I realised that I didn’t even feel worthy of the pleasure I desired unless I gave something first. I believed that if I was truly honest about what I desire men would think I was a slut. This was a painful realisation and those early moments of simply being with this new found insight were terrifying.

It is a common trap to fall into when we give only to receive and to be ashamed of our appetite for sex as women.

One day I decided to experiment. I decided to start speaking to my partner about what I really wanted. Part of what I wanted to was to let go of the idea that if I receive I’ve got to immediately give back and visa versa. Hearing me voice what I wanted and liked turned us both on and there was a newfound excitement around giving him pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

The experiment continued and I looked at receiving….. What if I was worthy of the pleasure I desired without having to do anything first? What if I let go of the expectation that I ever have to give anything back? This was a huge turning point for me.

THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR US WOMAN.

WE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE ANYTHING BACK?!

WHAT?!

This realisation has become a game-changer for me in my sex life. It allowed me to see that I was the CREATOR in all of these experiences meaning that I could create something different if that is what I wanted.

The secret sauce lives inside of me and my willingness to bring what is inside out.

When it came to what men wanted, I learned that men can give because they want to give, and not to “please” me. This is whole different experience. When a man is giving because he enjoys the experience of being present with his tongue between my legs, it feels 10 x better for me.

Gone are the days of…..“As a woman I think I need to be a goddess in bed to get him to pay half the rent.”

Now, if I can sense that my partner isn’t fully present, is only saying yes to “please me” or if the sex isn’t feeling quite right, I’m willing to say, “NO, thank you.” Because I trust that the experience I want can be created, even if it is not right now.

Scarcity in sex can cloud our judgement — it certainly did for me. When we’re operating from “THERE IS NOT ENOUGH” we can miss cues from our partners, hurt people, close our hearts, avoid asking for the vulnerable thing we want, and move too fast for the other person. I have done these things over and over again.

In my relationship, I love to have sex right after I teach a live class. I have a lot of energy and if I don’t move it through my body I can easily go into process mode, and this is danger zone — where I start focusing on all the things I could have done better. What works well is if I communicate in advance that on Wednesday at 9.30pm I want to have uninterrupted intimate time and am explicit in how that will look. Now he may not be available for that, or want it in the same way, but 9/10 when I am clear and creating from my desire we have beautiful sex in the way I want after I teach.

Communication is key and it looks like knowing how I want to be treated and how I would like that to feel.

This to me is being UNLEASHED, knowing myself and be willing to reveal what is going on for me and move through experiences moment by moment.


I’ll be teaching a FREE Masterclass on Monday 8th April on the topic of UNLEASHED SEX. It is for women who want to feel connected to their voice and desire during sex. Link to sign up here: