pleasure

Men, I want to experience every last aspect of you.

OliviaOwen_experience

Yesterday, I was listening to Robert Kandell talk about receiving on his podcast and what makes it so hard for us to receive the full expression of ourselves in relationships, let love really. We have convinced ourselves it’s noble to not receive. To say, I don’t need that love, I’m good.

He talks about how much harder it is for men to even admit they have fear and how that can get in the way of connection inside a relationship, “The worst thing a man can do is to be a boy that shows fear. That will be the one that is bullied. We’re taught to have no fear, perceive no fear and we shut down our emotions to fear. Fear is an important thing to notice as it gives you so much information.”. It got me thinking about how little understanding I have had about what it means to be a man, and how much richer my life has become since I have decided to pay attention to that. I make a really conscious effort to show my man that it’s safe to show his fear and the breadth of his emotions. It’s work on my side to be able to do that, especially when old wounds get triggered.

Rob says, “Men. You have to make it very pleasurable for a woman to receive you. Go to a therapist. Coach. Get your shit cleaned up”. The message here is not that it’s all on the women, or it’s all on the men, but rather there is this place in between where we can truly stay curious and take responsibility for our own shit, and understand the societal conditioning that created some of belief systems.


The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

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The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

My favourite thing from the podcast, is when Rob says there is an opportunity for women to say to the men in their lives, “I want to know all of you. I want to experience every last aspect of you. I want to be a safe space for who you are. I want to be with you in your highest highs or lowest lows. This is not a job for you as women, this is an opportunity.”

In a world that has heavily communicated the opposite, I want to be a woman that pioneers that level of integrity and love inside of my relationship to men.

Women, how do you feel about this? Do you feel like it is an opportunity for you to develop your capacity to be with more of your man? How do you show up when he is at his lowest low?

 

The Dry Blow Job

Photo by Catherine Heath

Photo by Catherine Heath

I want women to be connected to their body and true sexual hunger.

Slowly over time I have cultivated a feeling of surrender in sex. It comes from this place where I can be responsible for my own pleasure and deeply connected to my desire.

The journey to get here was a deep dismantling of an inner world that used to feel like a prison when it came to intimacy. My first exposure to sex was accidentally watching a late night Tantra special when I was young. A man and a woman were looking into each others eyes and stroking each others skin slowly and gently.

It was my first experience of visceral arousal as I felt my pussy awaken and heat rush through my legs. I was witnessing humans connecting and it really turned me on. They were present and both had this steady attention on each other. As they kissed slowly my whole body responded with searing heat. It was like an animal inside me began to purr.

I lodge that experience in my memory bank as sex. The prospect of experiencing that myself was the holy grail. Intimacy. Attention. Presence. I wanted my body to feel like that again. I wanted another humans attention on me like that.

Along came my teenage years and I began to put practice into play. My sexual experiences were nothing like that. Rather than develop a deeper relationship with my intuition and my true desire, I listened to the messages around me, read magazines, copied older women, gossiped amongst my friends and watched porn.

I over-ran the throbbing in my heart that wanted a tender slow sex and let the insecurity of my inner world guide my experiences.

I learned a number of distinct things in the early years: it is my job to please my man and my body belongs to him. To me this meant two things, he was the expert in my body and his experience was far more important than mine.

My worth as a woman came from my ability to please and do a good job. I also had a deep belief that men were responsible for making me happy in bed and I would finally find the sex I as craving when I found the right person.

The feelings of being unseen and unsatiated in bed were relentless and became more painful over time. It created a lot of resentment for men. I matched my frustration with silence — silently resentful, a place a lot of women reside in sex I have learned.

 
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Nothing highlights this better than when I would go down on a man and the whole time be thinking have I done this for long enough to get the thing I really want, his attention on my body and his presence. In my head I would come up with crazy equations, a ten minute blow job would give me a couple of minutes in return, maybe. It was not an enjoyable experience to give, nor receive inside of that exchange.

That is what I call a dry blow job — giving in the hope of trying to get.

In the short term I experienced a moment of connection and validation, and yet it never truly satiated me in the way I wanted. It was a short lived feeling.

I would hide behind the task of giving and pretend that I didn’t really have desire to have my body devoured. I would hope men would guess how big my sexual appetite truly was or surprisingly be experts in my body. Even on the rare occasion when I picked a very attentive man, I noticed I was so relieved I become lazy and disconnected from the faint relationship I had to my desire.

I was stuck in this cycle for a long time before I saw the pattern. I was giving, giving, giving because I wanted something in return AND I thought my happiness and fulfilment sexually came from “his” skill and if he didn’t know how to please me, it was his fault and I could do nothing about it.

I had a BIG wake up call one day reading a book called “Pussy” by Regena Thomashauer. I had been on a path to wake up to a different way in my early twenties and then fell into another relationship where I went back to the old way — giving to receive and thinking it was his fault the sex was mediocre.

It took me to a pain deep enough to actually say no more. Over night what was once an internal whisper of “I WANT MORE” had become a roar.

Upon deeper inspection, I realised that I didn’t even feel worthy of the pleasure I desired unless I gave something first. I believed that if I was truly honest about what I desire men would think I was a slut. This was a painful realisation and those early moments of simply being with this new found insight were terrifying.

It is a common trap to fall into when we give only to receive and to be ashamed of our appetite for sex as women.

One day I decided to experiment. I decided to start speaking to my partner about what I really wanted. Part of what I wanted to was to let go of the idea that if I receive I’ve got to immediately give back and visa versa. Hearing me voice what I wanted and liked turned us both on and there was a newfound excitement around giving him pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

The experiment continued and I looked at receiving….. What if I was worthy of the pleasure I desired without having to do anything first? What if I let go of the expectation that I ever have to give anything back? This was a huge turning point for me.

THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR US WOMAN.

WE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE ANYTHING BACK?!

WHAT?!

This realisation has become a game-changer for me in my sex life. It allowed me to see that I was the CREATOR in all of these experiences meaning that I could create something different if that is what I wanted.

The secret sauce lives inside of me and my willingness to bring what is inside out.

When it came to what men wanted, I learned that men can give because they want to give, and not to “please” me. This is whole different experience. When a man is giving because he enjoys the experience of being present with his tongue between my legs, it feels 10 x better for me.

Gone are the days of…..“As a woman I think I need to be a goddess in bed to get him to pay half the rent.”

Now, if I can sense that my partner isn’t fully present, is only saying yes to “please me” or if the sex isn’t feeling quite right, I’m willing to say, “NO, thank you.” Because I trust that the experience I want can be created, even if it is not right now.

Scarcity in sex can cloud our judgement — it certainly did for me. When we’re operating from “THERE IS NOT ENOUGH” we can miss cues from our partners, hurt people, close our hearts, avoid asking for the vulnerable thing we want, and move too fast for the other person. I have done these things over and over again.

In my relationship, I love to have sex right after I teach a live class. I have a lot of energy and if I don’t move it through my body I can easily go into process mode, and this is danger zone — where I start focusing on all the things I could have done better. What works well is if I communicate in advance that on Wednesday at 9.30pm I want to have uninterrupted intimate time and am explicit in how that will look. Now he may not be available for that, or want it in the same way, but 9/10 when I am clear and creating from my desire we have beautiful sex in the way I want after I teach.

Communication is key and it looks like knowing how I want to be treated and how I would like that to feel.

This to me is being UNLEASHED, knowing myself and be willing to reveal what is going on for me and move through experiences moment by moment.


I’ll be teaching a FREE Masterclass on Monday 8th April on the topic of UNLEASHED SEX. It is for women who want to feel connected to their voice and desire during sex. Link to sign up here:

"You have already won if you have tried"

I was having a conversation last night about what it takes to post online about so-called taboo subjects. In the last week I have seen more people than I usually see in a month as I said goodbye to the people I love in London. Seeing so many more people has given me a better temperature reading of how people see and understand my current endeavour to educate on intimacy, sex and modern relating.

I have had a few different flavours of feedback:

“It is disgusting to talk about sex on the internet. We cringe watching you.”
“Please don’t stop, you’re the only person I know doing this.” 
“Thank God you’re willing but don’t you worry what people will think of you?” 
“You must be so confident to be able to talk so freely about that stuff.”
“I love what you’re doing and it really helps me to remember there is a world where I could have what I want.”
“Fuck yeah girl, you’re killing it.”

The honest truth is most of the time, I have self-doubt, anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY and the list goes on about sharing online. I do the work to manage that and keep refining what’s truly important. I have got to a stage where I care much more about the mission than what people think.

To me, the whole point is to address the suffering, shame, silence that currently exists in the way we are doing sex and relationships. I want to TALK ABOUT IT and give you the permission to talk about your experiences so we can all make steps towards something different.

We’re in the middle of a revolution inside of the sexual and relating arena and we’re COLLECTIVELY rewriting the rules of what I see is a very old game.

Intimate relationships — most people are either in one or desiring to be in one. We want partnership. We love partnership. We have a lot to learn about how to do partnership in a healthy, loving and honest way. There’s nothing wrong with that…we weren’t really taught it and neither were the people that raised us.

Sex — the single reason most of us are on this planet is because two people had it. Sex, so delicious with infinite potential for pleasure and in some cases…what leads to the creation of a small human. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married, recovering from trauma, exploring your intimate life for the first time, interested in the same sex, a long-term singleton or enjoying a casual stable of lovers… it is VULNERABLE to find out what it is you want and make a stand for it.

❤️ Being vulnerable inside of intimacy can be unbelievably uncomfortable and most people mistake this for something being wrong with them, or the person they are with etc. ❤️

The truth is I believe we need support, A LOT OF SUPPORT. I want you to know that it is a unique journey that each of us has to navigate. What doesn’t help is the doors being closed on this conversation, the fingers being pointed, men being blamed and women being shamed.

Sex education taught us the birds and the bees aka - how to put a condom on a banana, how to be terrified of getting pregnant and STI’s and the most shameful of all…a woman on her period. The subtle message is that men are predators and women don’t like sex. Sounds like bullshit to me.

We were rarely taught anything about the emotions involved in sex, gender fluidity, pleasure or having a healthy relationship with your desire and your sexual appetite. Nothing about the conditions put on us at birth or how to deal with rejection or god-forbid, being attracted to someone else while you’re in a relationship. All very very normal things many of us face.

So here I am in, making a stand for you to have pleasure be a priority in your life. Sex and intimate connection is beautiful and it has the ability to truly nourish you. So does healthy relating, healing, exploration, play and honest communication. If any of those things are what you want, I believe that you deserve it.

I am already winning because I am trying and I want you to win to.