The mishap we often make in relationships is to think that the HEAT & EXCITEMENT we feel at the beginning is simply chemistry, an unlimited resource and something that doesn’t belong to us.
When the nourishment of the relationship starts to diminish over time, where do you lay the blame? By nourishment I am referring to the connected sex, honest conversations, dialled in attention, and one of the biggest... the fun. Oh yes, the early stage fun.
The challenge and opportunity is to understand that when you enter into a relationship you are typically “turned on”, and excited about being in that state.
When this happens, you identify the positive feelings with the external entity of the relationship. The alternative is to realize that it’s coming from you. YOU BRING THE JUICE TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
You are choosing to be super turned on. You have chosen to make this a priority and to pour your love, devotion, attention into it. You are opening up. Then....things get a little tough, not as sexy, and you abandon parts of yourself.
I see this over and over... when that feeling starts to dwindle, you blame the relationship or more often than not, the other person for not being enough of what you want.
I hear it all the time and I’ve done it myself. “I AM BORED” I exclaim when I stop taking any responsibility for keeping my life and desires accounted for. Or “HE IS BORING.” Ha. That old classic. If he is boring, then I am most certainly boring.
Some honest personal examples of how this plays out for me….
🔥 “WHY DOESN’T HE READ MY MIND AND PLAN SOMETHING FUN?”
🔥 “AM I NOT LOVABLE ENOUGH / SMART ENOUGH / HOT ENOUGH TO BE CARED FOR AND TOUCHED IN THE WAY THAT I WANT?
🔥 WHATS STOPPING HIM CALLING ME FIRST?
🔥 FUCK IT, I WILL SEE MY GIRLFRIENDS NEXT WEEK RATHER THAN TONIGHT.
The truth is, when we stop getting to know ourselves in our relationships, we stop guiding our partner in how to win with us, and then we blame them. That my friends is when we experience “DIMINISHING RETURNS” — a sure fire way to kill the heat.
You don’t know what you want because you don’t know who you are. Before you beat yourself up about that, let me tell you that it is ok. Your life is a constant opportunity to get to know yourself and relationships are a great motivator and gateway to wake up different parts of you.
I remember a moment with an ex where I went on the “he is boring train” aka it’s his fault the relationship sucks. When I looked at myself closely, I knew I had let myself die inside the relationship. I was turned off and resentful.
Step one was to be honest with myself. Not always the easiest thing to do aka why we avoid it. I spoke with my coach and my close girlfriends about how I really felt. I aired some long-standing resentments and received some solid reflection. Ultimately it was on me to take the time to understand what I truly desired with him and say the things I had been unwilling to say. Not wait for him to figure it out. I remember us having this really fucking honest conversation. The one I thought would end the relationship.
I shared what wasn’t working for me while my heart raced. We re-negotiated the boundaries of our relationship. Turns out the truth is hotter than I thought. I wanted quality attention from him and rather than mundane check-ins or constant texting. When we spoke on the phone, I wanted him to be curious and attentive.
I wanted to open up to him and be met with love and approval. On a phone call or at dinner I wanted him to ask me how I was really doing. I wanted him to listen and follow with curious, penetrating questions that support me in opening. I wanted his reflection of me. I wanted to take the time with my response rather than rush through my feelings and quickly turn the attention back on him. One of the oldest tricks in the book from us women - DEFLECT ATTENTION BACK ON THE OTHER PERSON.
Over time, I have learnt that when I slow down and really open up to receive a mans attention, I fill up and it really turns me on — and I have to willing to ask for that. Ultimately, this was not a quick fix and it took time for us to keep refining it and getting it right. I remember feeling like I had a WORLD inside me that wasn’t being seen and I was desperate to reveal that.
I learnt about myself that rather than spending every minute with someone, the thing that brings me the most return, is QUALITY INTERACTIONS and CONVERSATIONS and EXPERIENCES. It’s connecting deeply, feeling for the peak and knowing when I need some space for other things. Even five minutes of quality attention can have my body hot and fired up.
Ways I fill up in relationships:
A text asking how I am feeling.
A five minute phone conversation to say goodnight.
High intensity conversations where we share ideas and cool shit we’re interested in.
Being in the same room and not speaking.
Creating safety to have the uncomfortable, and often SUPER HOT conversations about feelings, desires and adjustments.
Slow sex in the afternoon.
Intentional time spent together where we both talk about what we need.
Outside of the interactions with my ex, I looked at what was happening when I wasn’t with him. I looked at places that I usually get full up - spending time with my women, taking care of myself physically, self-pleasure, writing, moving my body in a sensual way, going into my creation cave to stretch my business.
In this particular example, I realised I was feeling pretty dry everywhere. No juice because I had abandoned myself and stopped doing the things that turn me on and creatively fill me up, inside and outside of the relationship. I turned towards myself and my own life…
Ways I fill up outside the relationship with him and inside of the one with myself:
Call a sister and unpack my feelings.
Spend quality time with one of my sisters.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting.
Self-care and pleasure practices.
Dancing for 7 hours at El Grande - my fave latin night.
Write about shit I care about - sex, intimacy, telling the truth.
Write an inventory of my fears and clear my resentments.
Eat every two hours — I love food so much.
Explore and tune in to any new erotic desires - write about them and bring them to life.
Coach my clients or be coached.
Create space for exquisite rest.
Listen to my music that soothes and awakens my soul for as long as feels good.
Ultimately, all of these things support me in remembering who I am and that I am responsible for keeping myself engaged and turned on. It It is important to remember to forgive yourself easily and that you can choose to engage with yourself, your life and relationship at any moment. Any moment.