Stop trading Your Sanity For a Nice Life


Stop trading your sanity for a nice life

The anxiety is rife. The obsession is rampant. The frustration is daily. Yet, you keep choosing to stay.

When it comes to our relationships, I have seen you put up with an unbelievable amount of pain, boredom and resentment in favour of a nice life.

It is usually nice things / experiences, a version of warped “love" and social status that are the hardest to let go of.

You are choosing what looks good rather than what feels truly feels good and nourishes your soul.

From my lens, you are trading your sanity for a nice life. It’s an addictive pattern that can be hard to own.

Over the last three years, I got real with myself with what I truly value in my relationships. Accepting inconsistent attention, scraps of “love", drama and numbing with nice things paid for by money was my relationship inheritance.

Someone along the way I learned that this is all I deserved as a woman and believed this was the only way.

Before you start feeling sorry for me as a second-class citizen, lets be honest about a few things:

I LOVED the drama of fixing men (I get to feel superior).

I LOVED complaining about their shitty behaviour and lacklustre attention without giving feedback (I get to feel inferior, powerless and less than).

I LOVED obsessing over what they said (I love to control).

I LOVED accepting “nice things” as an apology for treating me poorly (I love a short-term power-fix).

I LOVED being being outraged when it wasn’t what I liked (I love to put the responsibility of my desire in the hands of others).

This is co-dependency and trying to control another human beings experience and calling that love.

It was not easy for me to break out of this pattern. It took a lot of awareness and humility to say, wow, I play dirty in relationships and it does not get me the high-quality partnership that I want.

It can be fun and intoxicating to choose those cycles over and over again, but really, that will not build you the relationship you say you want.

It is a LOT easier to blame someone else on why things feel sub-par versus turning towards what you and what you believe you are worth.

Relational wealth is being with a partner that is invested in themselves, you and your relationship. It is feeling sane on a regular basis and naming when something is NOT ok for you.

It is staying emotionally sound even when they are in a bad mood. It is choosing to love regardless of how they show up and being honest when you don’t want to invest anymore.

It is saying, I am a priority, my needs and desires are THIS and it is my responsibility to not take on your shit (even someone you love dearly).

You know what starts to shift? You start to learn that self-responsibility and intimacy based on truth is a lot sexier than projecting your unattended to resentments + expectations on to someone else.

You get to actually open to what you truly want.

"You have already won if you have tried"

I was having a conversation last night about what it takes to post online about so-called taboo subjects. In the last week I have seen more people than I usually see in a month as I said goodbye to the people I love in London. Seeing so many more people has given me a better temperature reading of how people see and understand my current endeavour to educate on intimacy, sex and modern relating.

I have had a few different flavours of feedback:

“It is disgusting to talk about sex on the internet. We cringe watching you.”
“Please don’t stop, you’re the only person I know doing this.” 
“Thank God you’re willing but don’t you worry what people will think of you?” 
“You must be so confident to be able to talk so freely about that stuff.”
“I love what you’re doing and it really helps me to remember there is a world where I could have what I want.”
“Fuck yeah girl, you’re killing it.”

The honest truth is most of the time, I have self-doubt, anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY and the list goes on about sharing online. I do the work to manage that and keep refining what’s truly important. I have got to a stage where I care much more about the mission than what people think.

To me, the whole point is to address the suffering, shame, silence that currently exists in the way we are doing sex and relationships. I want to TALK ABOUT IT and give you the permission to talk about your experiences so we can all make steps towards something different.

We’re in the middle of a revolution inside of the sexual and relating arena and we’re COLLECTIVELY rewriting the rules of what I see is a very old game.

Intimate relationships — most people are either in one or desiring to be in one. We want partnership. We love partnership. We have a lot to learn about how to do partnership in a healthy, loving and honest way. There’s nothing wrong with that…we weren’t really taught it and neither were the people that raised us.

Sex — the single reason most of us are on this planet is because two people had it. Sex, so delicious with infinite potential for pleasure and in some cases…what leads to the creation of a small human. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married, recovering from trauma, exploring your intimate life for the first time, interested in the same sex, a long-term singleton or enjoying a casual stable of lovers… it is VULNERABLE to find out what it is you want and make a stand for it.

❤️ Being vulnerable inside of intimacy can be unbelievably uncomfortable and most people mistake this for something being wrong with them, or the person they are with etc. ❤️

The truth is I believe we need support, A LOT OF SUPPORT. I want you to know that it is a unique journey that each of us has to navigate. What doesn’t help is the doors being closed on this conversation, the fingers being pointed, men being blamed and women being shamed.

Sex education taught us the birds and the bees aka - how to put a condom on a banana, how to be terrified of getting pregnant and STI’s and the most shameful of all…a woman on her period. The subtle message is that men are predators and women don’t like sex. Sounds like bullshit to me.

We were rarely taught anything about the emotions involved in sex, gender fluidity, pleasure or having a healthy relationship with your desire and your sexual appetite. Nothing about the conditions put on us at birth or how to deal with rejection or god-forbid, being attracted to someone else while you’re in a relationship. All very very normal things many of us face.

So here I am in, making a stand for you to have pleasure be a priority in your life. Sex and intimate connection is beautiful and it has the ability to truly nourish you. So does healthy relating, healing, exploration, play and honest communication. If any of those things are what you want, I believe that you deserve it.

I am already winning because I am trying and I want you to win to.