My body. A vessel of love, pleasure, life.
I recently had a moment of feeling ashamed of my body. It was really brief yet it hit me like ice-cold razors going from head to toe. I was asked to leave a bar because the owner could see my nipples through the side of my top and it was scaring the kids + bad for business, so she said. I don’t really give a fuck why she wanted me to leave, I am more interested in the sensation it had in my body - the way I responded to her vile behaviour as it was happening. I made myself wrong. I sunk into my chair for a moment. People were watching.
I walked away wearing a gorgeous yellow low cut dress and wished I wasn’t wearing it, just for a moment. I felt humiliated. I made myself wrong for feeling that way almost immediately. Like, this isn’t the woman that I am, I am “better” than this woman telling me this bullshit bla, yet her words had got in there and I wanted to trust my body and how she is reacting.
As I explored it more deeply, I realised that it touched the very deep part of me that has a grain of sand of disapproval inside my heart. For my sex. For my boldness. The way I love to dress. My nipples. My breasts. For the way I want to pioneer a new conversation around exactly this topic, and sex, and raising our consciousness around the way we love ourselves and practice intimacy and celebrate women, and each other. The disapproving part of me wants to make me wrong, and to stop it all. Use this as evidence that I should hide, cover up and be appropriate.
At this stage, it’s a minor voice in the background, yet I want to acknowledge it because I know it’s a reality we all face and I want to work with that voice. The voices internal, or in some unfortunate cases, receiving externally from others can dominate, or trick us into believing there is something wrong with us — deep down in my heart I know that there is nothing wrong and ultimately I know too much now to turn back on my path.
The year 2018 is my year of Alchemy, and this was a moment of truly alchemising shame which I will never forget. My body did it for me and then my mind follow making meaning of what happened.
I'm opening up for new coaching clients for September and October 2018. If you are interested to explore working with me 1:2:1 write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org with the title "I am curious"!