Heartbreak: Torture or Transformation


Heartbreak is a transformational portal. The vulnerability of loving another is pure expansion and a true gift. You risked having your heart broken into a million pieces and now it has happened. It hurts like hell and you feel lost.

Relationship transitions can be alchemical, and used for BIG transformation, or they can be torturous times where you stay stuck, obsessed and addicted to a way of relating to yourself and whatever situation you co-created.

This is a time of many small choices that are the difference between one reality or another. Moving on is a choice you make every single day.

To inspire the route of transformation I have collated some of the most tried and tested approaches to solid break up recovery. It has worked in my own life and with every client I have led through this.

The starting gate is to always slow down. You have just been through an emotional car crash and the chemicals in your brain are very activated during this time.

Treat your heart and mind as if it were your body that had been through a physical wreckage. Lovingly, tenderly, kindly, patiently.

Take a break from connecting with your ex. Do not information hunt. Your job is to unhook from the way you relate to them, for your own sanity and freedom. Stop making their behaviour and choices mean anything about you.

Every stalk online, desperate message, clothes swap or subtle communication puts you back in the same dynamic and keeps you hooked. If you catch yourself doing that, you are likely looking for reasons to feel bad about yourself. Treat yourself with more respect and over time notice the difference to you overall energy, self-confidence and self-esteem.

Learn to work with your mind. It will be very sneaky at this time to try and get what it wants. You might have a tendency to obsess about the person or over-process the relationship. Catch yourself doing it and direct your attention elsewhere. You are learning how to stop orbiting around another and to bring your love and care back to the most important prize, you.

You might need to do this 100 times a day in the early stages. Don’t sweat and keep re-redirecting attention.


Fucking someone else is not the answer. Even if your sex is hungry it is almost always too fast for your heart. You are in withdrawal — give yourself time to get back to a neutral state where you are not looking for another to replace what you feel you’ve lost.

Wait until you feel safe enough to embrace intimacy with someone who will honour your tenderness and pace. Take responsibility for creating the conditions for what you need. Choose differently. Choose someone that sees you and adores you. Communicate your needs. Go slow.

Move towards new energy, people, places. You have a blank canvas to create from and as your life force comes back so will your desire.

Your world has changed, space has been created and there is a runway of possibility available for you. Don’t waste it. This is a precious, precious time of opportunity and you are re-remebering who you are.

Limit booze or stop drinking all together for your recovery period. It is a numbing tool and depressant designed to bring you further down. It is like pouring gasoline on your broken heart. The pendulum swing on your system isn’t kind and you will need extra energy to bring yourself back to life.

Do the deep work to re-wire relationship beliefs and patterns. Stop focusing on your ex’s behaviour and look at yours. Face your own shit and see the opportunity to do something differently next time.

Every relationship can be a conscious upgrade from the last if you’re ready to put your attention on yourself.

Attend to your physical body and let it express itself. Slow yoga. Gentle movement. Build your energy back up. Catch where you over-exercise to avoid feeling.

Let your body cry as much as it needs to naturally — your body is wise and it will let you know when it needs to express. Scream and rage but don’t take it too far and hurt yourself. Know the difference between keeping yourself looping in pain and letting your body naturally express.

You are in recovery not running an ultra-marathon.

Have ruthless boundaries. No premature “friendship” with your ex — take the time to shift, heal and create a new dynamic when it feels right for you. Wait for the true thing to emerge without force. The “addicted” part of you might sneakily want friendship to still get the hit. Discern whether this is actually in your highest interests or keeps you stuck in the same dynamic.

Finally, and the most important, let people around you know what you need and surround yourself with 10/10 good humans. Have people to listen to you talk. Being met, heard and understood is very important at this time.

Have people that will interrupt your story especially if you are giving a constant inventory of your ex, versus keeping attention on yourself and your recovery. Being told the raw truth is key. Be mindful of which friend you call in which moment. You are alway choosing.

Do you call the person who will hold you accountable to your highest self or the person who has their own resentment, unprocessed relationship grief and adds another layer onto your already flowing rage?

You are wise enough to know who is pouring gasoline on the fire and who is fanning the flames of the real you, the one we are bringing back to life.

If you can lovingly embrace the natural down that follows a break up you will find yourself with a renewed energy. A vitality returning. A deep sense of self-discovery and self-respect. This transition is full of GOLD if you are WILLING to make different choices at every turn.

In 100 days today it will be January 1st 2020, how about starting today you embrace 100 days and a 100 different choices?

Lets see how powerful you are on the first day of a new decade.