DISCOMFORT IN TIMES OF CLIMAX + TRANSITION

 
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A painful break up. Job Loss. An affair. Divorce. Serious health condition. Amazing new relationship. Spiritual awakening. Job of your dreams.

Crisis is happening to you at a rate you cannot control - what do you do? Rush to fix? Do you start numbing (booze, porn, people, entertainment) and avoiding the uncomfortable sensation? Or, do you stop to listen to what you need to accept?

Goodness is coming in to your life at an intensity you’re not used to - what do you do? Do you embrace how it feels? Or, do you self-sabotage because you have a story you are undeserving?

I notice a pattern — when we start to look at the really uncomfortable (and transformation) shit that gets revealed in coaching (or other healing work), many of you want to LEAP and find a solution STRAIGHT AWAY.

You struggle to be with the new awareness that the situation is revealing to you.

You jump to a solution to avoid feeling what is there.

The problem is that if you don’t stop to accept what is happening, you will likely spend your life in crisis / fix the crisis / repeat the crisis.

You likely have low-self-esteem and think you deserve all the crisis that keeps happening.

Or, when good stuff happens you can’t be with it because you don’t feel deserving of it. You are stuck in a loop.

Without acceptance of yourself and what is happening, it is very challenging to take “effective” action that is not reactive or externally seeking.

The person, health condition or situation will change and you will keep feeling the same: worthless, undeserving, incapable of changing the trajectory of your life and how your relationships feel.

Action without self-acceptance often will make you feel worse because the action is not aligned with what you truly want. If you are to take “reactive action”, even if you “win”, you are still swimming in self-doubt that you’ve made a mistake so you can’t even feel good about it.

Think about the cycle many of us go through in romantic relationships. You don’t feel deserving of love, or a caring partner and you unconsciously self-sabotage when you meet one. This situation fucks with your story that you are not lovable or deserving of love. You blame them for not being good enough or turn it back on yourself - I am not deserving. You don’t commit and you become avoidant, pushing the person away and shutting down your heart.

Do you feel better when you end the relationship? Or does it feel generative to spend a lot of time “FIXING” yourself / or worse trying to FIX your partner while you’re still in the relationship? Often not, you are reacting to a sabotaging pattern that could really do with some ACCEPTANCE. From you.

Often in life we get the wake up calls we most need at the MOST inconvenient times (trust me, I really know this one well). Rather than be QUICK TO FIX, are you willing to take a pause and expand you capacity to feel the full spectrum of emotions life is throwing tat you? Have you noticed that the same patterns emerge even when you switch partners?

Why? Because the pattern and behaviour associated with that lives in YOU, and not the other person, or the shitty boss, or the amazing new opportunity that’s landed on your doorstep.

There is a LOT of BEAUTY when you jump off the crisis wagon. Or the, I NEED TO WORK HARDER to be deserving of this goodness.

Life is best lived at the most resonant frequency: when you stop resisting, avoiding and numbing you get present with what is. You build your capacity to greatly FEEL both pleasure and pain. This is VERY helpful in staying conscious (aka AWARE) while you navigate the highs and lows that pepper our lives.

The BEST gift I can give to my coaching clients is to invite them to slow down and learn to accept themselves. It takes time. No amount of money or external validation, or hot new fella, or clean bill of health can cover up the serene feeling of accepting you, being with your current reality and feeling the rawness of your emotions.

Sometimes I laugh, because often you get hit with a couple of crisis occurring at once. If you choose to work on accepting it, I actually love meeting YOU when you are at this stage of the process because you are surrendered, humble and alive. You are the most supple and ready to do the work knowing that perhaps, you are the leading agent of your life.

You are tired of your own bullshit and I call it getting on your knees for your life.

If you’re ready to go SLOW accepting the hardest to love (IN YOUR OPINION) parts of you, I’m ready to have a conversation with you AND I about coaching together. If this is for you, you will know.

Dear Lisboa — A Love Letter



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I’m leaving you today after being inside you for four months. I appreciate you in a way I have only recently been able to admit.

You held me like the true cauldron of transformation that you are… through rich moments of awakening. 

I was warned, “don’t rush her.”

I didn’t listen. I was in a rush. A brave rush, but still a rush.

I wanted all of you on immediate arrival. Being a beginner was vulnerable and I judged you for not being right when I didn’t want to put in the real work. What a gorgeous lesson. 

You do not respond well to pressure and force. 

You are like the mysterious feminine….with light persistent, resonant attention you will open.

Slowly.

If I forced or tried to skip the steps, you would close shut. I had to learn the skill to discover all the magnificent treasures you have to offer without any attachment to timing. 

As you started to elegantly reveal yourself to me my mind was blown. Great love and appreciation is developed over time and I’m sorry that I forgot that.

You are full of mysterious treasures. Those beaches and the surrounding water. We could leave the city and in thirty minutes be watching an exquisite Atlantic sunset alone. No one else around.

I can’t think of many other places where that is possible with city living. In recent weeks I spent many moments staring at the water for as long as I needed. You helped me reveal my own internal treasures that I had forgotten.

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You have the magical land of Sintra twenty minutes away with ridiculous palaces like playgrounds with underground caves, full of regalia and absurd human expression. I couldn’t believe a place that like actually existed. It does. You have it.

You have some of the best humans living in you. By best, I mean the ones that are deeply committed to you. Everyone I meet is in for the long haul to support you in being everything you are meant to be. There’s nothing I love more than a committed group of ambitious humans and you are FULL of em. 

You challenged me with your calmness and steady pace. You are different to New York and London. Without the noise and rush, I was left with the speed of my mind without much fog to distract myself. It was confronting. I had to wake up to my own bullshit and where I’d been running from patterns and living out of alignment. I hadn’t been still enough in long enough to really listen in the way I could living still inside of you. 


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You are a bedrock for romance. I loved watching all the couples that frequent you. There is a perfume of permission and I would watch beautiful pairs devour each other on many of your stunning park benches. I enjoyed walking at night on the quiet streets and seeing couples making out under the moonlight against your brightly coloured walls and cobbled streets. The more I looked, the more I saw and I would often make my whole body heat up with joy. There is something unique about Europe PDA —  it feels so fucking abundant and like we can unleash all ourselves, and it is allowed. We can HAVE it.

I appreciate the flavour of your men and their style of giving attention. There is a certain way that Southern European men overtly appreciate women. I grew up in Spain and if you were to draw an almost perfect line across the island of Iberia from you to the other coast of Spain you would find my childhood. Living in you felt familiar; a region I had lived closed in before. I grew up navigating the often overwhelming attention of many of these types of men and I realised living in you what a sticky impression that experience left on me. 

Your male flavour felt a little different I realised this week. I would enjoy the way they would stop and devour me with their eyes, soaking all of me in without it ever feeling like they entered my energetic space with their attention. It created an opportunity for me to breathe on your streets never feeling under threat or obligation yet always feeling deeply appreciated. That’s a gorgeous sweet spot for a woman. 

You are a spiritual centre and many many people told me about the Mecca of Desire that exists only hours away. I will be visiting soon with my soul sister Lauren.

Finally, you have a pulse right now that is fucking electric. I want to be more ready for your sugar and spice, so with that, I’m taking a pause. I’m almost certain I’ll be back. Maybe in weeks or maybe in months. It is unclear. All I know is my chapter with you has deeply, deeply elevated my life and like all the best love affairs, I commit to always being curious and never, ever having you figured out. 

I love you Lisboa, 

Liv

🔥Commitment is a choice🔥

 
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Commitment is a choice — you do not have to wait to be chosen.


You know the feeling of desperately trying to figure out whether the person you’re dating wants to truly commit to you? You know all the tricks and hints you’ve used to try and figure out how much you mean to them? 🤯

Oh babe, I got you. I know. I have done most of those hooks and it never got me close to what I wanted.

There is an unfortunate phenomenon that women in particular are taught — you have to wait to be chosen. This sends you crazy because you think you don’t have any power or choice in you present reality.

You obsess, pick fights, go cold and withhold your love, compare yourself to other women, provoke him and analyse his reaction. “If he really cared about me he would tell me he loved me, or stopped being friends with other women, or tell me I am the one.” Am I right sisters? 🤭

Energetically this feels like shit for both you and him.

The truth is that you are probably waiting for him to do something before YOU commit.

What if commitment was a choice? A daily choice. What if “the one” was the “one right now” always and commitment wasn’t measured in a status symbol or “I want you to be mine forever”? After transforming my relationship to men I have a particular flavour of mastery that I like to share with other women.

I support you to drop the crazy obsession and story that you’re not enough. I mentor you through unleashing your true desire in any moment, giving you the power of CHOICE in your relationships to men.

I have seen again and again how a woman who truly backs her own choice is irresistible to men.

Are you ready to work on this? Book in for a Desire Consultations to see my new coaching offerings for women.

#fullyunleashed #modernrelationships


Men, I want to experience every last aspect of you.

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Yesterday, I was listening to Robert Kandell talk about receiving on his podcast and what makes it so hard for us to receive the full expression of ourselves in relationships, let love really. We have convinced ourselves it’s noble to not receive. To say, I don’t need that love, I’m good.

He talks about how much harder it is for men to even admit they have fear and how that can get in the way of connection inside a relationship, “The worst thing a man can do is to be a boy that shows fear. That will be the one that is bullied. We’re taught to have no fear, perceive no fear and we shut down our emotions to fear. Fear is an important thing to notice as it gives you so much information.”. It got me thinking about how little understanding I have had about what it means to be a man, and how much richer my life has become since I have decided to pay attention to that. I make a really conscious effort to show my man that it’s safe to show his fear and the breadth of his emotions. It’s work on my side to be able to do that, especially when old wounds get triggered.

Rob says, “Men. You have to make it very pleasurable for a woman to receive you. Go to a therapist. Coach. Get your shit cleaned up”. The message here is not that it’s all on the women, or it’s all on the men, but rather there is this place in between where we can truly stay curious and take responsibility for our own shit, and understand the societal conditioning that created some of belief systems.


The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

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The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

My favourite thing from the podcast, is when Rob says there is an opportunity for women to say to the men in their lives, “I want to know all of you. I want to experience every last aspect of you. I want to be a safe space for who you are. I want to be with you in your highest highs or lowest lows. This is not a job for you as women, this is an opportunity.”

In a world that has heavily communicated the opposite, I want to be a woman that pioneers that level of integrity and love inside of my relationship to men.

Women, how do you feel about this? Do you feel like it is an opportunity for you to develop your capacity to be with more of your man? How do you show up when he is at his lowest low?

 

I AM KING KONG, NOT A RABBIT.

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I was coaching a wonderful female client earlier and we got onto the subject of talking about appetite.

Appetite for sex and food.

I notice this a lot, when I coach women, where the admission of what they truly want, the depth and variety of the experiences, the sex, the attention, is hidden under a guise of “IT IS OK, I don’t really have an appetite.”

I hear a version of this often:

“I like to eat the same thing every day because it’s easy. More digestible. Just enough. I’m not really having sex, or dating, or the attention I want. But it’s ok, work is great and I don’t really want it it anyway. I don’t even know what food I like, but it’s not really a problem because I don’t really enjoy food. My partner and I never have sex, but it’s fine because sex isn’t important to me.”

Well, I call bullshit.

Yes a nice, succulent, delicious green salad is sometimes what we truly desire…yet, the true physical nourishment we actually want is much more than this.

Yes, the sex once a month feels good…yet, the hungry beast inside of us isn’t getting fed.

Yes, we like to take care of ourselves……yet, when self-care is driven by deprivation the outcome is devastating.

Yes, being connected to our purpose is incredibly important…yet, there are so many part of us hidden away in the shadows of how excellent we are at self-sufficiency.

Most women I know actually have an appetite to similar to KING KONG and not a precious RABBIT.

We want to be sucked, fucked, and attended to with exquisite care by the people we are intimate with.

We want burgers in bed.

We want variety.

We want premium chocolate.

We want a different kind of menu when it comes to sex, food and experiences.

It’s vulnerable to admit that.

I get that, I really do.

The thing I’ll start with is this.

Your appetite is gorgeous. 
Your hunger is your power. 
Your desires will lead you home to your body.

Women, aka QUEEN KONGS…

What do you have an appetite for?

Please let the world know.

You’ll find me at www.fireupyourdesire.com/unleashed-sex debunking rabbit myths once and for all.

Glamour Interview: Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire.

I did an interview with Elia Manuzio of Glamour Paris. She attended one of my desire workshops and did a write up on the experience. You can read the article on Glamour’s site here. However, it’s written in French. Please enjoy an English translation of the article below:


Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire

by Elia Manuzio


Olivia Lara Owen organizes small group coaching workshops around the world on the theme of desire. We had the chance to experience one when she was in Paris.

A Haussmann apartment, candles everywhere and about fifteen participants sitting on sofas around a young woman in red. How did I land here? A bit by chance. Some girlfriends of mine signed up for the "Desire Talk" after meeting Olivia Lara Owen during her first workshop at the Burning Man Festival.  Curious and not really feeling that connected to my body, my wants and my desires, I followed them in and paid the 12€ registration. Olivia Lara Owen presents herself as a “Desire and Relationship Coach". She has developed a program, "Fully Unleashed Feminine" which comes with private consultations, digital coaching and workshops for women.

"Behind every complaint there is an unfulfilled desire," begins Olivia, "reconnecting to one's desires is about building deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others.  We deserve to live according to our desires, but we receive too many negative messages that push us to censor ourselves". The tone is set. If her speech sounds a little too much like "personal development", deep down, I understand what she means. At home, the words are “imposter syndrome” of which we are often victims and which prevents us too often from carrying out our projects. So when she launches into "Here, we will unlock his power", I'm totally in (there is the moment when I imagine myself as Wonder Woman smashing the patriarchy). 

Very quickly, the practice begins. The exercise consists of getting into pairs, face to face. Each person expresses in turn what he / she wants - be it "happiness" or “to buy a new mixer" - and the other gives them permission: "You can have it". One moment is dedicated to the debriefing of the experience and the workshop continues with another exercise based on the fears that hinder the desire. Quite frankly, to say to a man who is a completely stranger that I am deeply afraid of being buried alive, is rather disturbing. But in fact, it was good thing. "We are lacking safe spaces where we can be vulnerable," explains Olivia Lara Owen, "exploring one's deep desires in front of a stranger and giving oneself permission to feel fear is really emancipating. This is how our desires become achievable. "

This is an approach that can help you find sexual fulfillment, when sex is no longer completely satisfying. In addition to her workshops and personal consultations, Olivia Lara Owen is launching a new four-week online program for women and focused solely on sexuality: "Fully Unleashed Sex". Women will learn to communicate better with their partners, to develop strategies to really put into practice their sexual desires (verbalized as well as written in advance), and to call on a new language to talk about sexuality. Like the program mentioned above (which costs £400 for four weeks of coaching), Olivia Lara Owen's full programs are relatively expensive, but the shorter workshops are very accessible. While waiting to be able to afford a real coaching, she gave us some exercises to do: "When you feel a desire, when you feel that you want something, try to analyze how you respond to this feeling and also how your body responds to it.  This is the first way to explore your inner life. " For the practical side, Olivia recommends a very simple ritual: "Once a day, ask yourself this question: 'What do I really want?' Women all too often forget to ask themselves what they want, be it a walk or a super latte with almond milk. As an immediate example, I really want a nap. So ciao.

The Dry Blow Job

Photo by Catherine Heath

Photo by Catherine Heath

I want women to be connected to their body and true sexual hunger.

Slowly over time I have cultivated a feeling of surrender in sex. It comes from this place where I can be responsible for my own pleasure and deeply connected to my desire.

The journey to get here was a deep dismantling of an inner world that used to feel like a prison when it came to intimacy. My first exposure to sex was accidentally watching a late night Tantra special when I was young. A man and a woman were looking into each others eyes and stroking each others skin slowly and gently.

It was my first experience of visceral arousal as I felt my pussy awaken and heat rush through my legs. I was witnessing humans connecting and it really turned me on. They were present and both had this steady attention on each other. As they kissed slowly my whole body responded with searing heat. It was like an animal inside me began to purr.

I lodge that experience in my memory bank as sex. The prospect of experiencing that myself was the holy grail. Intimacy. Attention. Presence. I wanted my body to feel like that again. I wanted another humans attention on me like that.

Along came my teenage years and I began to put practice into play. My sexual experiences were nothing like that. Rather than develop a deeper relationship with my intuition and my true desire, I listened to the messages around me, read magazines, copied older women, gossiped amongst my friends and watched porn.

I over-ran the throbbing in my heart that wanted a tender slow sex and let the insecurity of my inner world guide my experiences.

I learned a number of distinct things in the early years: it is my job to please my man and my body belongs to him. To me this meant two things, he was the expert in my body and his experience was far more important than mine.

My worth as a woman came from my ability to please and do a good job. I also had a deep belief that men were responsible for making me happy in bed and I would finally find the sex I as craving when I found the right person.

The feelings of being unseen and unsatiated in bed were relentless and became more painful over time. It created a lot of resentment for men. I matched my frustration with silence — silently resentful, a place a lot of women reside in sex I have learned.

 
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Nothing highlights this better than when I would go down on a man and the whole time be thinking have I done this for long enough to get the thing I really want, his attention on my body and his presence. In my head I would come up with crazy equations, a ten minute blow job would give me a couple of minutes in return, maybe. It was not an enjoyable experience to give, nor receive inside of that exchange.

That is what I call a dry blow job — giving in the hope of trying to get.

In the short term I experienced a moment of connection and validation, and yet it never truly satiated me in the way I wanted. It was a short lived feeling.

I would hide behind the task of giving and pretend that I didn’t really have desire to have my body devoured. I would hope men would guess how big my sexual appetite truly was or surprisingly be experts in my body. Even on the rare occasion when I picked a very attentive man, I noticed I was so relieved I become lazy and disconnected from the faint relationship I had to my desire.

I was stuck in this cycle for a long time before I saw the pattern. I was giving, giving, giving because I wanted something in return AND I thought my happiness and fulfilment sexually came from “his” skill and if he didn’t know how to please me, it was his fault and I could do nothing about it.

I had a BIG wake up call one day reading a book called “Pussy” by Regena Thomashauer. I had been on a path to wake up to a different way in my early twenties and then fell into another relationship where I went back to the old way — giving to receive and thinking it was his fault the sex was mediocre.

It took me to a pain deep enough to actually say no more. Over night what was once an internal whisper of “I WANT MORE” had become a roar.

Upon deeper inspection, I realised that I didn’t even feel worthy of the pleasure I desired unless I gave something first. I believed that if I was truly honest about what I desire men would think I was a slut. This was a painful realisation and those early moments of simply being with this new found insight were terrifying.

It is a common trap to fall into when we give only to receive and to be ashamed of our appetite for sex as women.

One day I decided to experiment. I decided to start speaking to my partner about what I really wanted. Part of what I wanted to was to let go of the idea that if I receive I’ve got to immediately give back and visa versa. Hearing me voice what I wanted and liked turned us both on and there was a newfound excitement around giving him pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

The experiment continued and I looked at receiving….. What if I was worthy of the pleasure I desired without having to do anything first? What if I let go of the expectation that I ever have to give anything back? This was a huge turning point for me.

THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR US WOMAN.

WE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE ANYTHING BACK?!

WHAT?!

This realisation has become a game-changer for me in my sex life. It allowed me to see that I was the CREATOR in all of these experiences meaning that I could create something different if that is what I wanted.

The secret sauce lives inside of me and my willingness to bring what is inside out.

When it came to what men wanted, I learned that men can give because they want to give, and not to “please” me. This is whole different experience. When a man is giving because he enjoys the experience of being present with his tongue between my legs, it feels 10 x better for me.

Gone are the days of…..“As a woman I think I need to be a goddess in bed to get him to pay half the rent.”

Now, if I can sense that my partner isn’t fully present, is only saying yes to “please me” or if the sex isn’t feeling quite right, I’m willing to say, “NO, thank you.” Because I trust that the experience I want can be created, even if it is not right now.

Scarcity in sex can cloud our judgement — it certainly did for me. When we’re operating from “THERE IS NOT ENOUGH” we can miss cues from our partners, hurt people, close our hearts, avoid asking for the vulnerable thing we want, and move too fast for the other person. I have done these things over and over again.

In my relationship, I love to have sex right after I teach a live class. I have a lot of energy and if I don’t move it through my body I can easily go into process mode, and this is danger zone — where I start focusing on all the things I could have done better. What works well is if I communicate in advance that on Wednesday at 9.30pm I want to have uninterrupted intimate time and am explicit in how that will look. Now he may not be available for that, or want it in the same way, but 9/10 when I am clear and creating from my desire we have beautiful sex in the way I want after I teach.

Communication is key and it looks like knowing how I want to be treated and how I would like that to feel.

This to me is being UNLEASHED, knowing myself and be willing to reveal what is going on for me and move through experiences moment by moment.


I’ll be teaching a FREE Masterclass on Monday 8th April on the topic of UNLEASHED SEX. It is for women who want to feel connected to their voice and desire during sex. Link to sign up here:

"You have already won if you have tried"

I was having a conversation last night about what it takes to post online about so-called taboo subjects. In the last week I have seen more people than I usually see in a month as I said goodbye to the people I love in London. Seeing so many more people has given me a better temperature reading of how people see and understand my current endeavour to educate on intimacy, sex and modern relating.

I have had a few different flavours of feedback:

“It is disgusting to talk about sex on the internet. We cringe watching you.”
“Please don’t stop, you’re the only person I know doing this.” 
“Thank God you’re willing but don’t you worry what people will think of you?” 
“You must be so confident to be able to talk so freely about that stuff.”
“I love what you’re doing and it really helps me to remember there is a world where I could have what I want.”
“Fuck yeah girl, you’re killing it.”

The honest truth is most of the time, I have self-doubt, anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY and the list goes on about sharing online. I do the work to manage that and keep refining what’s truly important. I have got to a stage where I care much more about the mission than what people think.

To me, the whole point is to address the suffering, shame, silence that currently exists in the way we are doing sex and relationships. I want to TALK ABOUT IT and give you the permission to talk about your experiences so we can all make steps towards something different.

We’re in the middle of a revolution inside of the sexual and relating arena and we’re COLLECTIVELY rewriting the rules of what I see is a very old game.

Intimate relationships — most people are either in one or desiring to be in one. We want partnership. We love partnership. We have a lot to learn about how to do partnership in a healthy, loving and honest way. There’s nothing wrong with that…we weren’t really taught it and neither were the people that raised us.

Sex — the single reason most of us are on this planet is because two people had it. Sex, so delicious with infinite potential for pleasure and in some cases…what leads to the creation of a small human. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married, recovering from trauma, exploring your intimate life for the first time, interested in the same sex, a long-term singleton or enjoying a casual stable of lovers… it is VULNERABLE to find out what it is you want and make a stand for it.

❤️ Being vulnerable inside of intimacy can be unbelievably uncomfortable and most people mistake this for something being wrong with them, or the person they are with etc. ❤️

The truth is I believe we need support, A LOT OF SUPPORT. I want you to know that it is a unique journey that each of us has to navigate. What doesn’t help is the doors being closed on this conversation, the fingers being pointed, men being blamed and women being shamed.

Sex education taught us the birds and the bees aka - how to put a condom on a banana, how to be terrified of getting pregnant and STI’s and the most shameful of all…a woman on her period. The subtle message is that men are predators and women don’t like sex. Sounds like bullshit to me.

We were rarely taught anything about the emotions involved in sex, gender fluidity, pleasure or having a healthy relationship with your desire and your sexual appetite. Nothing about the conditions put on us at birth or how to deal with rejection or god-forbid, being attracted to someone else while you’re in a relationship. All very very normal things many of us face.

So here I am in, making a stand for you to have pleasure be a priority in your life. Sex and intimate connection is beautiful and it has the ability to truly nourish you. So does healthy relating, healing, exploration, play and honest communication. If any of those things are what you want, I believe that you deserve it.

I am already winning because I am trying and I want you to win to.

DIMINISHING RETURNS IN RELATIONSHIPS

The mishap we often make in relationships is to think that the HEAT & EXCITEMENT we feel at the beginning is simply chemistry, an unlimited resource and something that doesn’t belong to us. 

When the nourishment of the relationship starts to diminish over time, where do you lay the blame? By nourishment I am referring to the connected sex, honest conversations, dialled in attention, and one of the biggest... the fun. Oh yes, the early stage fun. 

The challenge and opportunity is to understand that when you enter into a relationship you are typically “turned on”, and excited about being in that state. 

When this happens, you identify the positive feelings with the external entity of the relationship. The alternative is to realize that it’s coming from you. YOU BRING THE JUICE TO THE RELATIONSHIP. 

You are choosing to be super turned on. You have chosen to make this a priority and to pour your love, devotion, attention into it. You are opening up. Then....things get a little tough, not as sexy, and you abandon parts of yourself. 

I see this over and over... when that feeling starts to dwindle, you blame the relationship or more often than not, the other person for not being enough of what you want. 

I hear it all the time and I’ve done it myself. “I AM BORED” I exclaim when I stop taking any responsibility for keeping my life and desires accounted for. Or “HE IS BORING.” Ha. That old classic. If he is boring, then I am most certainly boring. 


Some honest personal examples of how this plays out for me…. 


🔥 “WHY DOESN’T HE READ MY MIND AND PLAN SOMETHING FUN?” 


🔥 “AM I NOT LOVABLE ENOUGH / SMART ENOUGH / HOT ENOUGH TO BE CARED FOR AND TOUCHED IN THE WAY THAT I WANT?


🔥 WHATS STOPPING HIM CALLING ME FIRST? 


🔥 FUCK IT, I WILL SEE MY GIRLFRIENDS NEXT WEEK RATHER THAN TONIGHT. 

The truth is, when we stop getting to know ourselves in our relationships, we stop guiding our partner in how to win with us, and then we blame them. That my friends is when we experience “DIMINISHING RETURNS” — a sure fire way to kill the heat. 

You don’t know what you want because you don’t know who you are. Before you beat yourself up about that, let me tell you that it is ok. Your life is a constant opportunity to get to know yourself and relationships are a great motivator and gateway to wake up different parts of you. 

I remember a moment with an ex where I went on the “he is boring train” aka it’s his fault the relationship sucks. When I looked at myself closely, I knew I had let myself die inside the relationship. I was turned off and resentful.

Step one was to be honest with myself. Not always the easiest thing to do aka why we avoid it. I spoke with my coach and my close girlfriends about how I really felt. I aired some long-standing resentments and received some solid reflection. Ultimately it was on me to take the time to understand what I truly desired with him and say the things I had been unwilling to say. Not wait for him to figure it out. I remember us having this really fucking honest conversation. The one I thought would end the relationship.

I shared what wasn’t working for me while my heart raced. We re-negotiated the boundaries of our relationship. Turns out the truth is hotter than I thought. I wanted quality attention from him and rather than mundane check-ins or constant texting. When we spoke on the phone, I wanted him to be curious and attentive.

I wanted to open up to him and be met with love and approval. On a phone call or at dinner I wanted him to ask me how I was really doing. I wanted him to listen and follow with curious, penetrating questions that support me in opening. I wanted his reflection of me. I wanted to take the time with my response rather than rush through my feelings and quickly turn the attention back on him. One of the oldest tricks in the book from us women - DEFLECT ATTENTION BACK ON THE OTHER PERSON. 

Over time, I have learnt that when I slow down and really open up to receive a mans attention, I fill up and it really turns me on — and I have to willing to ask for that. Ultimately, this was not a quick fix and it took time for us to keep refining it and getting it right. I remember feeling like I had a WORLD inside me that wasn’t being seen and I was desperate to reveal that.

I learnt about myself that rather than spending every minute with someone, the thing that brings me the most return, is QUALITY INTERACTIONS and CONVERSATIONS and EXPERIENCES. It’s connecting deeply, feeling for the peak and knowing when I need some space for other things. Even five minutes of quality attention can have my body hot and fired up. 

Ways I fill up in relationships:

A text asking how I am feeling. 

A five minute phone conversation to say goodnight. 

High intensity conversations where we share ideas and cool shit we’re interested in. 

Being in the same room and not speaking. 

Creating safety to have the uncomfortable, and often SUPER HOT conversations about feelings, desires and adjustments.

Slow sex in the afternoon. 

Intentional time spent together where we both talk about what we need. 

Outside of the interactions with my ex, I looked at what was happening when I wasn’t with him. I looked at places that I usually get full up - spending time with my women, taking care of myself physically, self-pleasure, writing, moving my body in a sensual way, going into my creation cave to stretch my business. 

In this particular example, I realised I was feeling pretty dry everywhere. No juice because I had abandoned myself and stopped doing the things that turn me on and creatively fill me up, inside and outside of the relationship. I turned towards myself and my own life…

Ways I fill up outside the relationship with him and inside of the one with myself:

Call a sister and unpack my feelings. 

Spend quality time with one of my sisters. 

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. 

Self-care and pleasure practices.

Dancing for 7 hours at El Grande - my fave latin night. 

Write about shit I care about - sex, intimacy, telling the truth. 

Write an inventory of my fears and clear my resentments. 

Eat every two hours — I love food so much.  

Explore and tune in to any new erotic desires - write about them and bring them to life. 

Coach my clients or be coached. 

Create space for exquisite rest. 

Listen to my music that soothes and awakens my soul for as long as feels good. 

Ultimately, all of these things support me in remembering who I am and that I am responsible for keeping myself engaged and turned on. It It is important to remember to forgive yourself easily and that you can choose to engage with yourself, your life and relationship at any moment. Any moment. 

Launching a new Coaching Programme for Men

*COACHING FOR MEN*

Men.

I want to work with you.

Are you ready to dive deep into personal transformation work?

After months of creating, and refining and researching, I am launching my new Men's Coaching Programme. This is what it involves:

* I help you to open up to feeling and healing your emotions, which can often be stuck. 
* I support you to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with women and men. 
* Rather than hack intimate relationships, I encourage you to go deeper and do the crucial inner work that allows you to transform how you relate to your purpose, emotions and power, whilst having the deep love and relationship you want. 
* I support you to take responsibility, show up and be present to your brothers, understanding that men supporting men is crucial - both in your professional and personal lives. 
* Working with me, you’ll learn how to attune to the complex ways that women communicate and how to support her to being a woman in her power. 
* You’ll ignite your sex life and clean up old relationships patterns that are keeping you unfulfilled. 
* You’ll learn that the freedom that you seek is on the other side of the deep work, and numbing comes at a cost.

If you are ready to completely change the way you experience your relationships and be met with unwavering love and understanding, send me an email at olivia@fireupyourdesire.com and we will schedule a call.

Know someone that would benefit from this coaching programme with me? Send them my way or share this post.

#modernmanhood #menscoach #masculinity #relationshipcoach

My body - the great Alchemist of Shame

My body. A vessel of love, pleasure, life.

I recently had a moment of feeling ashamed of my body. It was really brief yet it hit me like ice-cold razors going from head to toe. I was asked to leave a bar because the owner could see my nipples through the side of my top and it was scaring the kids + bad for business, so she said. I don’t really give a fuck why she wanted me to leave, I am more interested in the sensation it had in my body - the way I responded to her vile behaviour as it was happening. I made myself wrong. I sunk into my chair for a moment. People were watching.

I walked away wearing a gorgeous yellow low cut dress and wished I wasn’t wearing it, just for a moment. I felt humiliated. I made myself wrong for feeling that way almost immediately. Like, this isn’t the woman that I am, I am “better” than this woman telling me this bullshit bla, yet her words had got in there and I wanted to trust my body and how she is reacting.

As I explored it more deeply, I realised that it touched the very deep part of me that has a grain of sand of disapproval inside my heart. For my sex. For my boldness. The way I love to dress. My nipples. My breasts. For the way I want to pioneer a new conversation around exactly this topic, and sex, and raising our consciousness around the way we love ourselves and practice intimacy and celebrate women, and each other. The disapproving part of me wants to make me wrong, and to stop it all. Use this as evidence that I should hide, cover up and be appropriate.

At this stage, it’s a minor voice in the background, yet I want to acknowledge it because I know it’s a reality we all face and I want to work with that voice. The voices internal, or in some unfortunate cases, receiving externally from others can dominate, or trick us into believing there is something wrong with us — deep down in my heart I know that there is nothing wrong and ultimately I know too much now to turn back on my path.

The year 2018 is my year of Alchemy, and this was a moment of truly alchemising shame which I will never forget. My body did it for me and then my mind follow making meaning of what happened.

I'm opening up for new coaching clients for September and October 2018. If you are interested to explore working with me 1:2:1 write to me at olivia@fireupyourdesire.com with the title "I am curious"! 

With love, 

Olivia 

 #alchemy#shame #desirecoach #deepapproval #sexandtruth #toosexy#getoutmybar

Does the Truth win in your Relationship?

“If you tend to censor your truth to be nice, think about this: By controlling how you’re perceived by others, nobody really knows you. You start to believe that somethings wrong with you. You have to hide it when you feel stuff that doesn’t jive with your nice persona. You also don’t truly know anyone else because you’re only experiencing their response to your facade. It’s a lonely place to live.”

I just read this banging article @memali108 on vulnerability in relationships. It is right on the spot of where I am in my own relationship. We did a practice this week of telling each other all the things we’ve haven’t told each other one by one for five minutes. No processing. Just sharing. It was excruciating and liberating. There was a rich feeling of intimacy on the other side and we felt so close. I had this fear that if I really spoke the truth it would break him, hurt him, he would judge me, I would loose control or cause Unrepairable harm. A long list of reasonable fears which did not turn out to be true.

My dream is to be my true, wild, unfiltered self in any relationship I am in and be responded to there, regardless who it is with. He told he is not made of fragile glass and is ready for the intensity that the truth brings. I commit to dropping the good girl persona and bringing out the wild wolf inside.

My experience so far is that then everyone wins. Do you feel like you’re hiding in your relationship? What would it take for you to admit how you really feel?

 #womenwhorunwithwolves #desirecoach#eroticintelligence #relationshipdesign #expertintraining #london #truth#vulnerability

Culturally sex obsessed

SEX. I want to talk about. It is part of our identity, it is immeshed in our culture, and yet for so many people, most of my clients and my own previous experience...Sex has been unsatisfactory, hidden or shame-filled.

For women, sex can feel like we have to accept what’s on the menu, and not ask for more in the fear of being labelled “too much” or we are suffocated by fitting in a box of a “good woman, wife, mother, professional businesswoman”.

Why is it that if we are having “orgasmic” and connected sex we are the lucky ones? What if that could be the standard for everyone?

We’re culturally sex obsessed and missing the spot of true, raw and real connection based on true desire.

For men, they tell me they feel like they have to know all the tricks, lead, know how to pleasure a woman without any direction and be the best lover every single time. They want guidance and are craving real, vulnerable intimacy.

In my own journey as a woman I spent a long time putting the responsibility of my sexual desire in the hands of my partner. I gave all my power away and then blamed my partners when it wasn’t right. I also turned my Sex off to be a digestible business woman.

Through coaching, training and some real, tried and tested lived experience, I have learnt now to own the weight of my own sexual desire and guide my partners in how to give me exactly what I want and be a rocking boss with a vibrant sex life.

Woman want power and freedom to let our appetite for sex be truly expressed.

I believe that as humans we are wired for real connection. Sex is creative energy, and a potent one at that. When my sex is ON, everything else flows. As a coach, this is one of my areas of expertise and if you are stuck, I can support you in finding your own freedom in this place through desire-based Life Coaching.

I am offering complimentary 45 minute Desire Exploratory session for both men, women and couples. I have 5 on offer. PM to apply and we can see if it could be a right fit for what you’re looking for.

#desirecoach #sexandbusiness #eroticintelligence #realconversation#london #ladyboss #newmenu #youcanhaveit #itsyours