Men, I want to experience every last aspect of you.

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Yesterday, I was listening to Robert Kandell talk about receiving on his podcast and what makes it so hard for us to receive the full expression of ourselves in relationships, let love really. We have convinced ourselves it’s noble to not receive. To say, I don’t need that love, I’m good.

He talks about how much harder it is for men to even admit they have fear and how that can get in the way of connection inside a relationship, “The worst thing a man can do is to be a boy that shows fear. That will be the one that is bullied. We’re taught to have no fear, perceive no fear and we shut down our emotions to fear. Fear is an important thing to notice as it gives you so much information.”. It got me thinking about how little understanding I have had about what it means to be a man, and how much richer my life has become since I have decided to pay attention to that. I make a really conscious effort to show my man that it’s safe to show his fear and the breadth of his emotions. It’s work on my side to be able to do that, especially when old wounds get triggered.

Rob says, “Men. You have to make it very pleasurable for a woman to receive you. Go to a therapist. Coach. Get your shit cleaned up”. The message here is not that it’s all on the women, or it’s all on the men, but rather there is this place in between where we can truly stay curious and take responsibility for our own shit, and understand the societal conditioning that created some of belief systems.


The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

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The same conditioning that tells me my partner being with another woman means he doesn’t love me and won’t come back, is the same conditioning which has indoctrinated him to think the expression of my raw emotions - like anger, jealously or sadness - is a deep threat to his freedom and a thing to be feared.

My favourite thing from the podcast, is when Rob says there is an opportunity for women to say to the men in their lives, “I want to know all of you. I want to experience every last aspect of you. I want to be a safe space for who you are. I want to be with you in your highest highs or lowest lows. This is not a job for you as women, this is an opportunity.”

In a world that has heavily communicated the opposite, I want to be a woman that pioneers that level of integrity and love inside of my relationship to men.

Women, how do you feel about this? Do you feel like it is an opportunity for you to develop your capacity to be with more of your man? How do you show up when he is at his lowest low?

 

I AM KING KONG, NOT A RABBIT.

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I was coaching a wonderful female client earlier and we got onto the subject of talking about appetite.

Appetite for sex and food.

I notice this a lot, when I coach women, where the admission of what they truly want, the depth and variety of the experiences, the sex, the attention, is hidden under a guise of “IT IS OK, I don’t really have an appetite.”

I hear a version of this often:

“I like to eat the same thing every day because it’s easy. More digestible. Just enough. I’m not really having sex, or dating, or the attention I want. But it’s ok, work is great and I don’t really want it it anyway. I don’t even know what food I like, but it’s not really a problem because I don’t really enjoy food. My partner and I never have sex, but it’s fine because sex isn’t important to me.”

Well, I call bullshit.

Yes a nice, succulent, delicious green salad is sometimes what we truly desire…yet, the true physical nourishment we actually want is much more than this.

Yes, the sex once a month feels good…yet, the hungry beast inside of us isn’t getting fed.

Yes, we like to take care of ourselves……yet, when self-care is driven by deprivation the outcome is devastating.

Yes, being connected to our purpose is incredibly important…yet, there are so many part of us hidden away in the shadows of how excellent we are at self-sufficiency.

Most women I know actually have an appetite to similar to KING KONG and not a precious RABBIT.

We want to be sucked, fucked, and attended to with exquisite care by the people we are intimate with.

We want burgers in bed.

We want variety.

We want premium chocolate.

We want a different kind of menu when it comes to sex, food and experiences.

It’s vulnerable to admit that.

I get that, I really do.

The thing I’ll start with is this.

Your appetite is gorgeous. 
Your hunger is your power. 
Your desires will lead you home to your body.

Women, aka QUEEN KONGS…

What do you have an appetite for?

Please let the world know.

You’ll find me at www.fireupyourdesire.com/unleashed-sex debunking rabbit myths once and for all.

Glamour Interview: Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire.

I did an interview with Elia Manuzio of Glamour Paris. She attended one of my desire workshops and did a write up on the experience. You can read the article on Glamour’s site here. However, it’s written in French. Please enjoy an English translation of the article below:


Sex: I Tried Out A Coaching Workshop For Developing Desire

by Elia Manuzio


Olivia Lara Owen organizes small group coaching workshops around the world on the theme of desire. We had the chance to experience one when she was in Paris.

A Haussmann apartment, candles everywhere and about fifteen participants sitting on sofas around a young woman in red. How did I land here? A bit by chance. Some girlfriends of mine signed up for the "Desire Talk" after meeting Olivia Lara Owen during her first workshop at the Burning Man Festival.  Curious and not really feeling that connected to my body, my wants and my desires, I followed them in and paid the 12€ registration. Olivia Lara Owen presents herself as a “Desire and Relationship Coach". She has developed a program, "Fully Unleashed Feminine" which comes with private consultations, digital coaching and workshops for women.

"Behind every complaint there is an unfulfilled desire," begins Olivia, "reconnecting to one's desires is about building deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others.  We deserve to live according to our desires, but we receive too many negative messages that push us to censor ourselves". The tone is set. If her speech sounds a little too much like "personal development", deep down, I understand what she means. At home, the words are “imposter syndrome” of which we are often victims and which prevents us too often from carrying out our projects. So when she launches into "Here, we will unlock his power", I'm totally in (there is the moment when I imagine myself as Wonder Woman smashing the patriarchy). 

Very quickly, the practice begins. The exercise consists of getting into pairs, face to face. Each person expresses in turn what he / she wants - be it "happiness" or “to buy a new mixer" - and the other gives them permission: "You can have it". One moment is dedicated to the debriefing of the experience and the workshop continues with another exercise based on the fears that hinder the desire. Quite frankly, to say to a man who is a completely stranger that I am deeply afraid of being buried alive, is rather disturbing. But in fact, it was good thing. "We are lacking safe spaces where we can be vulnerable," explains Olivia Lara Owen, "exploring one's deep desires in front of a stranger and giving oneself permission to feel fear is really emancipating. This is how our desires become achievable. "

This is an approach that can help you find sexual fulfillment, when sex is no longer completely satisfying. In addition to her workshops and personal consultations, Olivia Lara Owen is launching a new four-week online program for women and focused solely on sexuality: "Fully Unleashed Sex". Women will learn to communicate better with their partners, to develop strategies to really put into practice their sexual desires (verbalized as well as written in advance), and to call on a new language to talk about sexuality. Like the program mentioned above (which costs £400 for four weeks of coaching), Olivia Lara Owen's full programs are relatively expensive, but the shorter workshops are very accessible. While waiting to be able to afford a real coaching, she gave us some exercises to do: "When you feel a desire, when you feel that you want something, try to analyze how you respond to this feeling and also how your body responds to it.  This is the first way to explore your inner life. " For the practical side, Olivia recommends a very simple ritual: "Once a day, ask yourself this question: 'What do I really want?' Women all too often forget to ask themselves what they want, be it a walk or a super latte with almond milk. As an immediate example, I really want a nap. So ciao.

The Dry Blow Job

Photo by Catherine Heath

Photo by Catherine Heath

I want women to be connected to their body and true sexual hunger.

Slowly over time I have cultivated a feeling of surrender in sex. It comes from this place where I can be responsible for my own pleasure and deeply connected to my desire.

The journey to get here was a deep dismantling of an inner world that used to feel like a prison when it came to intimacy. My first exposure to sex was accidentally watching a late night Tantra special when I was young. A man and a woman were looking into each others eyes and stroking each others skin slowly and gently.

It was my first experience of visceral arousal as I felt my pussy awaken and heat rush through my legs. I was witnessing humans connecting and it really turned me on. They were present and both had this steady attention on each other. As they kissed slowly my whole body responded with searing heat. It was like an animal inside me began to purr.

I lodge that experience in my memory bank as sex. The prospect of experiencing that myself was the holy grail. Intimacy. Attention. Presence. I wanted my body to feel like that again. I wanted another humans attention on me like that.

Along came my teenage years and I began to put practice into play. My sexual experiences were nothing like that. Rather than develop a deeper relationship with my intuition and my true desire, I listened to the messages around me, read magazines, copied older women, gossiped amongst my friends and watched porn.

I over-ran the throbbing in my heart that wanted a tender slow sex and let the insecurity of my inner world guide my experiences.

I learned a number of distinct things in the early years: it is my job to please my man and my body belongs to him. To me this meant two things, he was the expert in my body and his experience was far more important than mine.

My worth as a woman came from my ability to please and do a good job. I also had a deep belief that men were responsible for making me happy in bed and I would finally find the sex I as craving when I found the right person.

The feelings of being unseen and unsatiated in bed were relentless and became more painful over time. It created a lot of resentment for men. I matched my frustration with silence — silently resentful, a place a lot of women reside in sex I have learned.

 
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Nothing highlights this better than when I would go down on a man and the whole time be thinking have I done this for long enough to get the thing I really want, his attention on my body and his presence. In my head I would come up with crazy equations, a ten minute blow job would give me a couple of minutes in return, maybe. It was not an enjoyable experience to give, nor receive inside of that exchange.

That is what I call a dry blow job — giving in the hope of trying to get.

In the short term I experienced a moment of connection and validation, and yet it never truly satiated me in the way I wanted. It was a short lived feeling.

I would hide behind the task of giving and pretend that I didn’t really have desire to have my body devoured. I would hope men would guess how big my sexual appetite truly was or surprisingly be experts in my body. Even on the rare occasion when I picked a very attentive man, I noticed I was so relieved I become lazy and disconnected from the faint relationship I had to my desire.

I was stuck in this cycle for a long time before I saw the pattern. I was giving, giving, giving because I wanted something in return AND I thought my happiness and fulfilment sexually came from “his” skill and if he didn’t know how to please me, it was his fault and I could do nothing about it.

I had a BIG wake up call one day reading a book called “Pussy” by Regena Thomashauer. I had been on a path to wake up to a different way in my early twenties and then fell into another relationship where I went back to the old way — giving to receive and thinking it was his fault the sex was mediocre.

It took me to a pain deep enough to actually say no more. Over night what was once an internal whisper of “I WANT MORE” had become a roar.

Upon deeper inspection, I realised that I didn’t even feel worthy of the pleasure I desired unless I gave something first. I believed that if I was truly honest about what I desire men would think I was a slut. This was a painful realisation and those early moments of simply being with this new found insight were terrifying.

It is a common trap to fall into when we give only to receive and to be ashamed of our appetite for sex as women.

One day I decided to experiment. I decided to start speaking to my partner about what I really wanted. Part of what I wanted to was to let go of the idea that if I receive I’ve got to immediately give back and visa versa. Hearing me voice what I wanted and liked turned us both on and there was a newfound excitement around giving him pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

The experiment continued and I looked at receiving….. What if I was worthy of the pleasure I desired without having to do anything first? What if I let go of the expectation that I ever have to give anything back? This was a huge turning point for me.

THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR US WOMAN.

WE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE ANYTHING BACK?!

WHAT?!

This realisation has become a game-changer for me in my sex life. It allowed me to see that I was the CREATOR in all of these experiences meaning that I could create something different if that is what I wanted.

The secret sauce lives inside of me and my willingness to bring what is inside out.

When it came to what men wanted, I learned that men can give because they want to give, and not to “please” me. This is whole different experience. When a man is giving because he enjoys the experience of being present with his tongue between my legs, it feels 10 x better for me.

Gone are the days of…..“As a woman I think I need to be a goddess in bed to get him to pay half the rent.”

Now, if I can sense that my partner isn’t fully present, is only saying yes to “please me” or if the sex isn’t feeling quite right, I’m willing to say, “NO, thank you.” Because I trust that the experience I want can be created, even if it is not right now.

Scarcity in sex can cloud our judgement — it certainly did for me. When we’re operating from “THERE IS NOT ENOUGH” we can miss cues from our partners, hurt people, close our hearts, avoid asking for the vulnerable thing we want, and move too fast for the other person. I have done these things over and over again.

In my relationship, I love to have sex right after I teach a live class. I have a lot of energy and if I don’t move it through my body I can easily go into process mode, and this is danger zone — where I start focusing on all the things I could have done better. What works well is if I communicate in advance that on Wednesday at 9.30pm I want to have uninterrupted intimate time and am explicit in how that will look. Now he may not be available for that, or want it in the same way, but 9/10 when I am clear and creating from my desire we have beautiful sex in the way I want after I teach.

Communication is key and it looks like knowing how I want to be treated and how I would like that to feel.

This to me is being UNLEASHED, knowing myself and be willing to reveal what is going on for me and move through experiences moment by moment.


I’ll be teaching a FREE Masterclass on Monday 8th April on the topic of UNLEASHED SEX. It is for women who want to feel connected to their voice and desire during sex. Link to sign up here:

"You have already won if you have tried"

I was having a conversation last night about what it takes to post online about so-called taboo subjects. In the last week I have seen more people than I usually see in a month as I said goodbye to the people I love in London. Seeing so many more people has given me a better temperature reading of how people see and understand my current endeavour to educate on intimacy, sex and modern relating.

I have had a few different flavours of feedback:

“It is disgusting to talk about sex on the internet. We cringe watching you.”
“Please don’t stop, you’re the only person I know doing this.” 
“Thank God you’re willing but don’t you worry what people will think of you?” 
“You must be so confident to be able to talk so freely about that stuff.”
“I love what you’re doing and it really helps me to remember there is a world where I could have what I want.”
“Fuck yeah girl, you’re killing it.”

The honest truth is most of the time, I have self-doubt, anxiety EVERY SINGLE DAY and the list goes on about sharing online. I do the work to manage that and keep refining what’s truly important. I have got to a stage where I care much more about the mission than what people think.

To me, the whole point is to address the suffering, shame, silence that currently exists in the way we are doing sex and relationships. I want to TALK ABOUT IT and give you the permission to talk about your experiences so we can all make steps towards something different.

We’re in the middle of a revolution inside of the sexual and relating arena and we’re COLLECTIVELY rewriting the rules of what I see is a very old game.

Intimate relationships — most people are either in one or desiring to be in one. We want partnership. We love partnership. We have a lot to learn about how to do partnership in a healthy, loving and honest way. There’s nothing wrong with that…we weren’t really taught it and neither were the people that raised us.

Sex — the single reason most of us are on this planet is because two people had it. Sex, so delicious with infinite potential for pleasure and in some cases…what leads to the creation of a small human. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married, recovering from trauma, exploring your intimate life for the first time, interested in the same sex, a long-term singleton or enjoying a casual stable of lovers… it is VULNERABLE to find out what it is you want and make a stand for it.

❤️ Being vulnerable inside of intimacy can be unbelievably uncomfortable and most people mistake this for something being wrong with them, or the person they are with etc. ❤️

The truth is I believe we need support, A LOT OF SUPPORT. I want you to know that it is a unique journey that each of us has to navigate. What doesn’t help is the doors being closed on this conversation, the fingers being pointed, men being blamed and women being shamed.

Sex education taught us the birds and the bees aka - how to put a condom on a banana, how to be terrified of getting pregnant and STI’s and the most shameful of all…a woman on her period. The subtle message is that men are predators and women don’t like sex. Sounds like bullshit to me.

We were rarely taught anything about the emotions involved in sex, gender fluidity, pleasure or having a healthy relationship with your desire and your sexual appetite. Nothing about the conditions put on us at birth or how to deal with rejection or god-forbid, being attracted to someone else while you’re in a relationship. All very very normal things many of us face.

So here I am in, making a stand for you to have pleasure be a priority in your life. Sex and intimate connection is beautiful and it has the ability to truly nourish you. So does healthy relating, healing, exploration, play and honest communication. If any of those things are what you want, I believe that you deserve it.

I am already winning because I am trying and I want you to win to.

DIMINISHING RETURNS IN RELATIONSHIPS

The mishap we often make in relationships is to think that the HEAT & EXCITEMENT we feel at the beginning is simply chemistry, an unlimited resource and something that doesn’t belong to us. 

When the nourishment of the relationship starts to diminish over time, where do you lay the blame? By nourishment I am referring to the connected sex, honest conversations, dialled in attention, and one of the biggest... the fun. Oh yes, the early stage fun. 

The challenge and opportunity is to understand that when you enter into a relationship you are typically “turned on”, and excited about being in that state. 

When this happens, you identify the positive feelings with the external entity of the relationship. The alternative is to realize that it’s coming from you. YOU BRING THE JUICE TO THE RELATIONSHIP. 

You are choosing to be super turned on. You have chosen to make this a priority and to pour your love, devotion, attention into it. You are opening up. Then....things get a little tough, not as sexy, and you abandon parts of yourself. 

I see this over and over... when that feeling starts to dwindle, you blame the relationship or more often than not, the other person for not being enough of what you want. 

I hear it all the time and I’ve done it myself. “I AM BORED” I exclaim when I stop taking any responsibility for keeping my life and desires accounted for. Or “HE IS BORING.” Ha. That old classic. If he is boring, then I am most certainly boring. 


Some honest personal examples of how this plays out for me…. 


🔥 “WHY DOESN’T HE READ MY MIND AND PLAN SOMETHING FUN?” 


🔥 “AM I NOT LOVABLE ENOUGH / SMART ENOUGH / HOT ENOUGH TO BE CARED FOR AND TOUCHED IN THE WAY THAT I WANT?


🔥 WHATS STOPPING HIM CALLING ME FIRST? 


🔥 FUCK IT, I WILL SEE MY GIRLFRIENDS NEXT WEEK RATHER THAN TONIGHT. 

The truth is, when we stop getting to know ourselves in our relationships, we stop guiding our partner in how to win with us, and then we blame them. That my friends is when we experience “DIMINISHING RETURNS” — a sure fire way to kill the heat. 

You don’t know what you want because you don’t know who you are. Before you beat yourself up about that, let me tell you that it is ok. Your life is a constant opportunity to get to know yourself and relationships are a great motivator and gateway to wake up different parts of you. 

I remember a moment with an ex where I went on the “he is boring train” aka it’s his fault the relationship sucks. When I looked at myself closely, I knew I had let myself die inside the relationship. I was turned off and resentful.

Step one was to be honest with myself. Not always the easiest thing to do aka why we avoid it. I spoke with my coach and my close girlfriends about how I really felt. I aired some long-standing resentments and received some solid reflection. Ultimately it was on me to take the time to understand what I truly desired with him and say the things I had been unwilling to say. Not wait for him to figure it out. I remember us having this really fucking honest conversation. The one I thought would end the relationship.

I shared what wasn’t working for me while my heart raced. We re-negotiated the boundaries of our relationship. Turns out the truth is hotter than I thought. I wanted quality attention from him and rather than mundane check-ins or constant texting. When we spoke on the phone, I wanted him to be curious and attentive.

I wanted to open up to him and be met with love and approval. On a phone call or at dinner I wanted him to ask me how I was really doing. I wanted him to listen and follow with curious, penetrating questions that support me in opening. I wanted his reflection of me. I wanted to take the time with my response rather than rush through my feelings and quickly turn the attention back on him. One of the oldest tricks in the book from us women - DEFLECT ATTENTION BACK ON THE OTHER PERSON. 

Over time, I have learnt that when I slow down and really open up to receive a mans attention, I fill up and it really turns me on — and I have to willing to ask for that. Ultimately, this was not a quick fix and it took time for us to keep refining it and getting it right. I remember feeling like I had a WORLD inside me that wasn’t being seen and I was desperate to reveal that.

I learnt about myself that rather than spending every minute with someone, the thing that brings me the most return, is QUALITY INTERACTIONS and CONVERSATIONS and EXPERIENCES. It’s connecting deeply, feeling for the peak and knowing when I need some space for other things. Even five minutes of quality attention can have my body hot and fired up. 

Ways I fill up in relationships:

A text asking how I am feeling. 

A five minute phone conversation to say goodnight. 

High intensity conversations where we share ideas and cool shit we’re interested in. 

Being in the same room and not speaking. 

Creating safety to have the uncomfortable, and often SUPER HOT conversations about feelings, desires and adjustments.

Slow sex in the afternoon. 

Intentional time spent together where we both talk about what we need. 

Outside of the interactions with my ex, I looked at what was happening when I wasn’t with him. I looked at places that I usually get full up - spending time with my women, taking care of myself physically, self-pleasure, writing, moving my body in a sensual way, going into my creation cave to stretch my business. 

In this particular example, I realised I was feeling pretty dry everywhere. No juice because I had abandoned myself and stopped doing the things that turn me on and creatively fill me up, inside and outside of the relationship. I turned towards myself and my own life…

Ways I fill up outside the relationship with him and inside of the one with myself:

Call a sister and unpack my feelings. 

Spend quality time with one of my sisters. 

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. 

Self-care and pleasure practices.

Dancing for 7 hours at El Grande - my fave latin night. 

Write about shit I care about - sex, intimacy, telling the truth. 

Write an inventory of my fears and clear my resentments. 

Eat every two hours — I love food so much.  

Explore and tune in to any new erotic desires - write about them and bring them to life. 

Coach my clients or be coached. 

Create space for exquisite rest. 

Listen to my music that soothes and awakens my soul for as long as feels good. 

Ultimately, all of these things support me in remembering who I am and that I am responsible for keeping myself engaged and turned on. It It is important to remember to forgive yourself easily and that you can choose to engage with yourself, your life and relationship at any moment. Any moment. 

Launching a new Coaching Programme for Men

*COACHING FOR MEN*

Men.

I want to work with you.

Are you ready to dive deep into personal transformation work?

After months of creating, and refining and researching, I am launching my new Men's Coaching Programme. This is what it involves:

* I help you to open up to feeling and healing your emotions, which can often be stuck. 
* I support you to create deeper and more fulfilling relationships with women and men. 
* Rather than hack intimate relationships, I encourage you to go deeper and do the crucial inner work that allows you to transform how you relate to your purpose, emotions and power, whilst having the deep love and relationship you want. 
* I support you to take responsibility, show up and be present to your brothers, understanding that men supporting men is crucial - both in your professional and personal lives. 
* Working with me, you’ll learn how to attune to the complex ways that women communicate and how to support her to being a woman in her power. 
* You’ll ignite your sex life and clean up old relationships patterns that are keeping you unfulfilled. 
* You’ll learn that the freedom that you seek is on the other side of the deep work, and numbing comes at a cost.

If you are ready to completely change the way you experience your relationships and be met with unwavering love and understanding, send me an email at olivia@fireupyourdesire.com and we will schedule a call.

Know someone that would benefit from this coaching programme with me? Send them my way or share this post.

#modernmanhood #menscoach #masculinity #relationshipcoach

My body - the great Alchemist of Shame

My body. A vessel of love, pleasure, life.

I recently had a moment of feeling ashamed of my body. It was really brief yet it hit me like ice-cold razors going from head to toe. I was asked to leave a bar because the owner could see my nipples through the side of my top and it was scaring the kids + bad for business, so she said. I don’t really give a fuck why she wanted me to leave, I am more interested in the sensation it had in my body - the way I responded to her vile behaviour as it was happening. I made myself wrong. I sunk into my chair for a moment. People were watching.

I walked away wearing a gorgeous yellow low cut dress and wished I wasn’t wearing it, just for a moment. I felt humiliated. I made myself wrong for feeling that way almost immediately. Like, this isn’t the woman that I am, I am “better” than this woman telling me this bullshit bla, yet her words had got in there and I wanted to trust my body and how she is reacting.

As I explored it more deeply, I realised that it touched the very deep part of me that has a grain of sand of disapproval inside my heart. For my sex. For my boldness. The way I love to dress. My nipples. My breasts. For the way I want to pioneer a new conversation around exactly this topic, and sex, and raising our consciousness around the way we love ourselves and practice intimacy and celebrate women, and each other. The disapproving part of me wants to make me wrong, and to stop it all. Use this as evidence that I should hide, cover up and be appropriate.

At this stage, it’s a minor voice in the background, yet I want to acknowledge it because I know it’s a reality we all face and I want to work with that voice. The voices internal, or in some unfortunate cases, receiving externally from others can dominate, or trick us into believing there is something wrong with us — deep down in my heart I know that there is nothing wrong and ultimately I know too much now to turn back on my path.

The year 2018 is my year of Alchemy, and this was a moment of truly alchemising shame which I will never forget. My body did it for me and then my mind follow making meaning of what happened.

I'm opening up for new coaching clients for September and October 2018. If you are interested to explore working with me 1:2:1 write to me at olivia@fireupyourdesire.com with the title "I am curious"! 

With love, 

Olivia 

 #alchemy#shame #desirecoach #deepapproval #sexandtruth #toosexy#getoutmybar

Does the Truth win in your Relationship?

“If you tend to censor your truth to be nice, think about this: By controlling how you’re perceived by others, nobody really knows you. You start to believe that somethings wrong with you. You have to hide it when you feel stuff that doesn’t jive with your nice persona. You also don’t truly know anyone else because you’re only experiencing their response to your facade. It’s a lonely place to live.”

I just read this banging article @memali108 on vulnerability in relationships. It is right on the spot of where I am in my own relationship. We did a practice this week of telling each other all the things we’ve haven’t told each other one by one for five minutes. No processing. Just sharing. It was excruciating and liberating. There was a rich feeling of intimacy on the other side and we felt so close. I had this fear that if I really spoke the truth it would break him, hurt him, he would judge me, I would loose control or cause Unrepairable harm. A long list of reasonable fears which did not turn out to be true.

My dream is to be my true, wild, unfiltered self in any relationship I am in and be responded to there, regardless who it is with. He told he is not made of fragile glass and is ready for the intensity that the truth brings. I commit to dropping the good girl persona and bringing out the wild wolf inside.

My experience so far is that then everyone wins. Do you feel like you’re hiding in your relationship? What would it take for you to admit how you really feel?

 #womenwhorunwithwolves #desirecoach#eroticintelligence #relationshipdesign #expertintraining #london #truth#vulnerability

Culturally sex obsessed

SEX. I want to talk about. It is part of our identity, it is immeshed in our culture, and yet for so many people, most of my clients and my own previous experience...Sex has been unsatisfactory, hidden or shame-filled.

For women, sex can feel like we have to accept what’s on the menu, and not ask for more in the fear of being labelled “too much” or we are suffocated by fitting in a box of a “good woman, wife, mother, professional businesswoman”.

Why is it that if we are having “orgasmic” and connected sex we are the lucky ones? What if that could be the standard for everyone?

We’re culturally sex obsessed and missing the spot of true, raw and real connection based on true desire.

For men, they tell me they feel like they have to know all the tricks, lead, know how to pleasure a woman without any direction and be the best lover every single time. They want guidance and are craving real, vulnerable intimacy.

In my own journey as a woman I spent a long time putting the responsibility of my sexual desire in the hands of my partner. I gave all my power away and then blamed my partners when it wasn’t right. I also turned my Sex off to be a digestible business woman.

Through coaching, training and some real, tried and tested lived experience, I have learnt now to own the weight of my own sexual desire and guide my partners in how to give me exactly what I want and be a rocking boss with a vibrant sex life.

Woman want power and freedom to let our appetite for sex be truly expressed.

I believe that as humans we are wired for real connection. Sex is creative energy, and a potent one at that. When my sex is ON, everything else flows. As a coach, this is one of my areas of expertise and if you are stuck, I can support you in finding your own freedom in this place through desire-based Life Coaching.

I am offering complimentary 45 minute Desire Exploratory session for both men, women and couples. I have 5 on offer. PM to apply and we can see if it could be a right fit for what you’re looking for.

#desirecoach #sexandbusiness #eroticintelligence #realconversation#london #ladyboss #newmenu #youcanhaveit #itsyours

Desire led me to Purpose

 

I remember the moment vividly. I was pacing around my apartment in the UK complaining. Everything was wrong. I couldn’t do it. 

I couldn’t finish the assignment that had been tasked. I wasn’t good enough for any of this and it was always someone else’s fault. I had this belief that my words weren’t good enough or I was inadequate with the way I put sentences together. 

I was 19, living on my own near where I had grown up.  I was mid-transformation, turning my life around and experiencing the growing pains that came when I started to address every belief I though to be true about myself and the world. 

I had been a reckless teenager. I was hurt, lost, sick, recovering. I had channelled that pain into numbness. I was adamant I had no purpose, no desire, no where that I belonged. I had spent a number of years enveloped in darkness, keeping my head above water by a tiny whisper. 

I was studying to be an Early Years  Teacher.  I had ‘accidentally’ applied to the course, convinced they would never accept my high school drop out credentials. 

I laughed at the irony of dropping out of school and claiming I would never step my foot back into ANY form of education, only to be applying to become a teacher. It was a twisted seal of fate. 

They made an exception. I was in. I remember my interview. I rolled up in a big black leather jacket and wouldn’t take it off.  They saw something in me and gave me a chance. I am deeply grateful for that day and those women. 

When the course started the teachers nurtured me, loved me, believed in me relentlessly. I resisted a lot and would do anything to deflect the attention, despite it being the thing I craved the most. I couldn’t look them in their eyes when they told me I was good enough.  

I would leave the room and secretly curse them for being wrong. I hated them for being so nice.  It meant that I had to change. It was excruciating to be seen. I would think “soon they will find out that I am worthless and unable to write, read, speak properly, be here, be of value, be alive”

A big part of my training was to practice in Schools. Be around children. Show them love. Guide them to thrive. Create environments where they felt safe. Approve of them. 

It was outside my own classroom that I started to open more. I noticed what it felt like to teach. I watched my colleagues pour love into the children. I would attentively observe and wonder if I had it in me to be that loving, or to let that much love in. Could I be that human?

Over time, day by day, I started to open. I noticed that I could love and be loved. I started to fill up my empty tank. I started to feel joy in my body. I began to feel my body and feel alive again. I began to practice speaking without terror that I was saying the wrong thing.  I started to build amazing relationships with colleagues. I was becoming a young woman with a taste of purpose. 

I followed the thread of what started to feel really good.  Every day I became closer and closer to the end of this training. I did well enough to give myself the option to go to University if that was my chosen path, which I did years later, eventually studying International Politics inspired by my time in the field in Haiti.

It was a ginormous turnaround. I remember this huge lump in my throat as I started to realise I was good enough. Perhaps for anything.  Exactly where I was. I had found something that felt meaningful and it had found me. Sometimes now I will look back at that time and do anything to feel the slow return of love in my body. I can easily take for granted how much I am able to feel now and forget the feeling of love entering an empty, hungry tank. 

I started to understand that I had a story to tell, life experience, a big emotional range, awareness, humour, compassion, depth. 

Teaching. Learning. Knowledge. Connection. Bringing out the best of the best in others. Training. Coaching. Self-belief.  Knowing my value. Empathy. Humour. Tenacity. 

So, there I am pacing my apartment 18 months into this training. In 10 minutes of complaining I am starting to chip away at the self-worth I had tenaciously built. Stuck in an old pattern. Heart contracting and jaw tight. The inner critic, loud and vulgar - reminding me why I should never have signed up to this. I wasn’t good enough. 

The TV blared in the background. It was January 12th 2010. Haiti had been hit by a huge earthquake. The BBC was playing a 5 minute EMERGENCY UPDATE. Newsflash. Thousands suspected dead. Hundreds of buildings flattened. A figure that would tragically rise as the weeks went on. Haiti. A name I had heard and a place I had never seen. 

I sat down slowly. My hands together making a tight fist. My throat was dry. I had never felt a feeling like it. As I watched the news this profound sense of grief came over me. I also felt this huge pull and connection to this place I had barely heard of. My heart was waking up.  

I woke up to fragility of life, I woke up to the victim mindset I was locked into, I woke up to the idea of purpose, I woke up to the idea of service. 

I felt called to go to Haiti. Not straight away. I didn’t have the money or the skills for immediate disaster response or the opportunity.  Later in the year, I would go. 

Everyone told me I was crazy. Rightfully so. It was an insane pull. I could not explain it. I knew this place would be a huge part of my life and I knew it would be about education: transformation and learning. I also knew there was no invitation to go. This was a choice that came with responsibility. Listen first. Do second. 

For 8 months I hustled to raise money, complete my Teacher Training and getting my life ready. Ahead was an open road. 

I fell in love along the way. He thought I was crazy and I shouldn’t go to Haiti. A dangerous place he said. We broke up suddenly right before I was due to leave and the heartbreak of that nearly stopped me from stepping foot in Haiti. 

I spent a week in Miami alone and my whole body ached with pain. Old patterns came back. Not good enough. I was wrong. All my fault. Unworthy. 

I was embarrassed to live out this dream when I felt like such a wreck. 

I will never forget my older brother Sion calling me. I told him I going to fly to London and go to Haiti a week later once I had pulled myself together.  You know. Manage the heartbreak.  As I told him my carefully conducted plan he told me there no way. Not a chance I was coming home. I had come this far. No going back now. 

He reminded me of the pull, everything that had led me there and who I was. My worth. Sometimes we need that. A reflection from someone we deeply love.  

I got on that plane. What was a 4 week trip turned into 3 months. The right people crossed into my path. We had raised over £10,000 in London. It was a number way beyond our target. I quickly learned, and continue to learn, it is much harder to spend money effectively than it is to raise it. 

I met many young Haitian women during those 3 months who had a desire to return to School. The education system had remained closed for months following the earthquake. Families that previously had the means could no longer afford school fees.  Tuition fees are high in Haiti anyway. Overall it became a need we wanted to work with. 

It was a fast learning curve. We had a fierce desire to invest our money + time into longer term support for Haiti’s youth. We believed in educational scholarships that were long term and a compliment to the short term aid that was in effect in Haiti post-earthquake. We wanted to support an already existing Haitian structure that was proven and working. 

For me, it was clear, I was in for the long haul and that was final after meeting my amazing co-founder, Emma and our Haitian director Junie.  Dr Junie Betrand, a Haitian educator and community leader, partnered with us immediately and we created an international non-profit EduHaitian that would fully fund the education programme of her Haitian organisation KoreTimoun. 

Building EduHaitian, a Scholarship programme for School & University students in Haiti, has been a vibrant rodeo of trail and tribulation. Our work supports students in Haiti to find their purpose and live their dream. We support them for up to 18 years to go to School and University. All the way into their first job.  It is incredible work with amazing results! 

I would never have got through those early years of building a non-profit if I hadn’t been using the fuel of my earlier transformation. I had felt the bottom of the barrel where life felt bleak, soulless and directionless. I knew what it felt like to be blocked of feeling. Giving my life to something and following what felt true for me has kept me growing. 

It has been 8 years since that moment in my apartment.  Purpose to me unveiled itself. I heard the call and I listened. When I started to put my attention on the quality of my contribution and my relationships everything started to shift. 

The questions I ask are, What is my life for? Who do I have around me? What do I need support with to make this happen? 

 

If I overextend and ‘work’ too much and neglect my relationships, things don’t flow.  It goes the same for the other way around. Connection + purpose go together in harmony. 

 

A few years ago, I heard the call towards working with Desire, Relationships and having a more honest conversation about our Intimate lives. 

 

I see a lot of us dedicate ourselves to our purpose and work, in neglect of a rich, intimate life and honest conversations about what we want.

 

I have a fierce calling to work with both and work as Relationship + Desire coach. 

 

Pleasure is a vital nutrient to fuel our life purpose.

I truly believe that. 

Show up as you are. 

Don’t wait to feel perfect and together. 

The messier you are, the more you can feel and truer the response is to you call.